Sit Down America! And Other Stories From the Open Road.
As summer is beginning to wind down in New Jersey - or if you hold the same belief as my Mom, summer is already over - I'll share another tale of childhood summer vacations. Or, as I like to call them, "The Cheapskates Guide to Putting Your Family in Eternal Danger".
Growing up, we did not have a plethora of extra income to take "fancy" vacations. I'll put fancy in quotes because my Mom, Brother and I define "fancy" in a whole different way than my Dad. Easily put, my father considers garlic mashed potatoes as "fancy". Enough said.
Since (regardless of where we were headed), we knew we would be driving somewhere along the east coast of the US, our choices were somewhat limited. We have travelled by car from Maine to the southernmost point in the continental US - Key West - several times over. We've seen a lot of different things and learned a lot of things about ourselves as a family unit. It's amazing that decades later, we still communicate with each other of our own free will. If you've ever read, watched or listened to anything Jean Shepherd (a la "A Christmas Story"), you'll know exactly how our vacations should have been narrated.
I'll set the stage for the 4 travelling companions: Shoved together by fate, love and that dicey word: FAMILY
My Mom - Travelling co-lead, Mom was the map reader and the provider of boxed lunches. I remember with glee my mom placing sandwiches consisting of turkey and cranberry sauce into the cooler for a particular trip. Hating cranberry sauce, I turned my pre-teen nose up at the concoction. She explained that the cranberry sauce would help to keep the sandwich moist. She was certainly ahead of her time, as this is now a sandwich you can buy in cafes. Most importantly, Mom was the provider of relief. When my brother and my bladders were about to burst, she would insist my father stop for a bathroom break - eliciting sighs, moans and gripes from the Old Man. Mom held steadfast to the belief that if she left with 2 children, she would return from the vacation with 2 children. In body at least, their sanity would be up for grabs. Mom was a non-sleeper.
My Dad - The travelling lead. The man who would wake his family at 4:00am to "get a jump on the traffic" and barrel down major interstates (either with or without a trailer in tow and with or without one-two dogs), having pre-identified markers in his mind that he MUST hit before stopping. Insensitive to the pleas from his family for food, water or bathroom breaks, he was a man on a mission. Stopping only for gas and when his eyelids could stay open no longer, he parked the brood in a Welcome Station or reststop along a highway and slept in the car - gear shift firmly wedged in back or armpit. My Mom and I would usually take this opportunity to scavenge for food at the vending machines, use the restroom as if we could get credit for future needs, and wander aimlessly about. In the dark. Alone. With strangers. Sounds safe, in retrospect. Dad was a sleeper.
My Brother - Lead Minion. First born spawn and almost 3 years older than me. My brother had little to no role in the family travelling circus. He would be woken up at 4am like the rest of us, help pack the car, and then take his residence in the backseat behind my Dad. He would then fall asleep and wake up when we arrived at our destination. Regardless of where this destination was. To say the least, my brother was a sleeper.
Me - Co-lead Minion. Server of food from pre-packed cooler and questioner of "things". Things, such as: Why can't we go to Disney World? Why can't we stop at South-of-the-Border? Why are you giving me that look, Dad? Having an overwhelming fear of running out of gas and/or being lost, I was lucky I wasn't strapped to the roof at certain points. If my parents (particularly my Dad) wanted to bust my chops, he would declare that we had less than a quarter of a tank of gas left, and the map was incorrect. I was a non-sleeper.
*It's important to note that the sleepers vs. non-sleepers roles remain accurate to this day. Vacations just highlighted this quirk in each of us.
With the players set, we can move on to a slideshow of the memories/scars that have remained from years of family vacations.
Sit Down America - This is my dear brother's term. And I must say, a hugely accurate one. Along with my fear of being lost and running out of gasoline, I also had a fear of having to use the bathroom and not being able to. This doesn't take Freud to figure out. My Dad would never freaking stop on the open road, so when a bathroom was in proximity, I used it. Several times. If I didn't use it, I felt it necessary to know where it was. I would ask the "restaurant" employees where the ladies room was. (Restaurant being defined as: McDonald's. Wendy's being high class.). On return from using the facility during one random trip, my brother snarkily asked if I was writing a book, ranking all bathroom facilities on the east coast of the US, since I found it necessary to inspect every one. He suggested I title it "Sit Down, America!". Rat bastard. It's still a damn good title.
Waiting for the Folks to Return - Once we were at our motel of choice (see also: cheapest), my parents would go out to pick up some food, leaving my brother and I to inspect the drained pool, or to wander the estate grounds. Mostly we argued and tried not to touch the walls. On one particular night during one paticular trip, my parents were gone for what seemed hours. My brother and I started to get concerned and to question what would become of us. What if something horrible happened to our parents? No one knew to find us at the Notel Motel! Once it was figured out, we would obviously be adopted by my Aunt, but what about our dogs? What about our house? What about our friends? How would we even get out of wherever the hell we were? By the time our parents arrived back at the pad, we were both furious and hugely relieved. We questioned them like parents waiting for their kids to return from breaking curfew. *Might be the reason I don't have kids. Just a guess.
The Nighttime Walk, or "How My Brother and I Almost Died" - During one vacation, we arrived late at a campground and had to set up in the dark*. Now, I can't remember if this was the camper that had the bathroom in it or was the trailer that did not. Either way, BOTH my brother and I had to find the communal bathrooms/showers to use it's services. We set out in the dark, armed only with a fading flashlight and our wits. Which were fading also. We looked for the wooden arrows nailed to trees identifying the pathway to the bathrooms and finally found it. Unforunately, we did not take note of our campsite number or how we actually GOT to the bathroom itself. After doing our deeds and meeting up, we were stumped. We headed out in the direction we thought was correct, but turned out to be completely wrong. We travelled in circles, always ending up back at the restrooms. By this time, our flashlight had completely died, as had our hopes, dreams and desires. In it's place was once again fear, and the understanding that our life would be spent wandering the woods of the campground. Like ghosts from the bathroom. As in movies we started to panic, and made the wise choice to run. 'Cause if you don't know where the hell you are, running is always the best option. Holding my brother's hand and following his lead, we ran and ran. Ran straight into a picnic table. Ran straight into a thorn bush. Ran right into a pine tree. We finally found our camper, with it's welcoming light and familiar car. We ran inside, sweaty, bloody, bruised and frightened. My brother and I told our parents our harrowing tale, our escape from near-death, our instinct to stay alive. My parent broke out into hysterical laughter. Rat bastards.
- * Regardless of when the camper was set up, my father's ability to curse still amazes me. He would let out a stream of swears so incredible that we would just sit and stare in awe
So, I leave you with these philosophical words of wisdom: When in doubt, when in fear, when you don't know the direction, Sit Down America! The answer shall come to you.
With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo
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