My Love Life in the 21st Century

What is Non-Existent for $800, Alex?

For those readers who don't know me, I'm sure it will come as a shock to you to find out that I am, indeed single. For those who do know me, I'm sure you're in shock that I am, indeed single. I'm in shock that I am, indeed single. When I see some of the married or "coupled couples" out there, I feel like I've been duped. I have no perceivable horns. I am relatively intelligent. I have a sense of humor. I'm supportive and open minded. I have two discernible eyebrows. Usually.

I just don't get it. I've had a few very serious relationships in my life, that have all ended badly. Not bad in the "restraining order/prison time" bad, but not well. Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of the kiss-off. Always the dumpee, never the dumper. I wonder if they make a card for that.

Mind you. I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I'm just perplexed. It reminds me of when I was sick the day they taught fractions in grammar school Throughout my entire life, I have never understood fractions. It's like there was a one-day only bus ticket on "getting" fractions and I missed it. I think the same applies to my (lack of) relationships. I seem to have missed the bus to Relationshipville. I've visited the outskirts of the town. I've even been invited to stay awhile in one of the apartments that are rented on a month-to-month basis. In the end, however, I was booted back to the hood of Singletown. With my head hanging low, and my tail between my legs, I joined the rest of the folks who just didn't make the grade in Relationshipville. I'm pretty sure most of my fellow people sucked at fractions, too.

I've found that people start to pair off beginning in their mid to late twenties. The age can fluctuate from geographical area to geographical area, as well as a certain states' acceptance of cousins marrying, but I think it's a fair estimate that people are starting to look at partnering-up from 25 and on. I was in a long term relationship at this time, and engaged by 24. I was unceremoniously unengaged at 25. Although, come to think of it, we never actually broke up. So maybe I'm still engaged, who knows? I wonder if his wife and kids know that I'm still engaged to this fabulous family man. Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. Hold on while I go grab the "F" key that just went zooming across the room.
 

In retrospect, this break up is the best thing that could have happened to me as a person. At that time it was a massive betrayal on several levels. This was the man I loved and the man I thought loved me. He was the man my family loved. The man I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with. I remember thinking to myself, while in the relationship, how lucky I was that I found the right "one" early in life. I thought myself blessed and I did not take that for granted. I guess I should have opened my eyes a little wider and taken off the rose colored glasses. If I had, I would have seen a whole different world. I was so busy being happy, that I didn't take the time to question anything. In the end, he pulled a typical guy move. Girls, you know what I mean. You ask what's going on, they get defensive and act annoyed, spitting out that "nothing is wrong". As you wipe the angry spit from your glasses, you retreat and he acts worse. Distant, snippy and cruel replace the kind hearted guy you used to know. You try to talk, he gets angry**. Round and round it goes until KA-BOOM. You do exactly what he's been impatiently waiting for you to do for probably months. You leave. You pack up some of your stuff, after you both agree it would be best to take a mini-break. He needs to get his head straight. It's not you, it's him. He's confused with life, not his love for you. Blah blah blah. What was supposed to be a one week time-out turns in to forever. Boxes are packed up. The engagement ring is returned, while your phone calls are not.  (**I'm sure there are girls that pull this type of garbage, but I have to say, this is really and identifiable male trait.  The clinical term for it is "noballsitis")
 

Thank God you have a great girlfriend who sweeps you up in to a dustpan and takes you out of your mind. She lets you get drunk, she always drives, she asks questions about the relationship and always, always is on your side. She cries along with you, for the loss of love and for your heartbreak.

 

Little do you know that this friend, this unexpected saviour, is taking notes the whole time. Marking down every inside clue to what your "ex" likes/doesn't like. Every thing you said went wrong, and all the things that you said went right. Favorite movies, funny lines, things only a loved one would know. This fabulous friend is a double-agent, you see. A friend who has been dating your fiancee (for you still think of him as such as you're still on a "break") on the sly and gathering counter-intelligence from the best source she can find. You. Under the guise of a shoulder to cry on. That's way harsh, man.

 

Even though this "friend" claimed she couldn't have children due to a long ago illness, she is now married to my still fiancee with a little girl. You're not telling me she LIED are you? I hear you not.


Recovering from this betrayal took a long time. While I dated casually, it was over 2 years until I felt I could even dip a toenail back in to the pool of a "relationship".

 

I'll sum this one up quickly. I chose another stinker. Dating for several years, with breaks in between, it was a complete waste of time. I learned nothing from this relationship other than who not to date. Which is an important lesson, actually. He broke my heart, but my heart had at least grown some scars.

 

So, let's sum this up bullet style, shall we? Warning signs that I have personally gathered that show that this ain't a relationship and/or this ain't a relationship going anywhere. Not a "Teen Beat" type of list, a 30 somethinger's list:

He's always late. Not 5 minutes late or 15 minutes late. He's always late late. If he can't respect you enough to be on time, then he's not big on respecting you.

• He's in his 30's and still hasn't moved out of his parents house. Run do not walk.

The only alone time you have is when you're in bed. If he still needs to be around his buddies 24/7, and can't have a date night with you alone, not a good sign. This is especially true when you are planning vacations or a special dinner, and he needs to include others. Not good.

• He says he'll do things but never comes through. You're going to the shore. You're going to such-and-such concert. You're going to the freakin' zoo. No follow through. Not good.

So, I remain perplexed. I've tried the Internet dating route, with limited success. The most encouraging and engaging person I met lived in Blackpool, England. And had a substance abuse problem. He was a really great guy though.

 

My peer group is mostly married, so the pool is getting smaller and smaller. I'm OK with never getting married. I'm OK with never having kids. I just wished I understood the playing field a little better. Damn! I wish I never missed the fraction day in grammar school. Unfortunately, if my dating life was a Jeopardy question, it would be " What is Non-Existent for $800, Alex?"

With Love,
Lady Butterfly
xoxo