Moving Violations

 

Asses on Wheels

Early humans might have invented the wheel, but today's beings still haven't learned how to actually use it. Specifically, how to operate any sort of vehicle that contains said wheels. From high performance cars to shopping carts, we can't seem to grasp some of the basic functionality of this spherical phenomenon. Let's face it. Human kind is awesome at inventing things, but we absolutely suck at using them as intended. A quick Internet search will show you that Listerine was actually invented as a cure for gonorrhea. Makes you think of that mouth cleanser in a whole new way, doesn't it? Play-Doh was supposed to be awesome at wallpaper removal, not for kids to mold into goofy figurines or to squeeze through plastic heads in order to grow "Play-Doh Hair". Viagra was initially a medication for hypertension and anxiety. Well, I suppose this could still apply under the right circumstances.

I'll start off with my theory of why people behave the way they do behind the wheel. I believe driving a vehicle is hugely similar to leaving nameless comments on the Internet and acting like a giant turd. You're anonymous, you're safe, you are an unknown. I feel the same holds true for driving. People might only be a matter of feet away from each other, but you're still in you're cocoon that allows you to act like an ass without fear of retribution or consequence. Why else would people pick their nose in plain sight? You're not in Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane. We can see you, you know. It matters not. It's personal space that allows freedom for all. It's a shield against all others. But not really.

What is it about putting a person behind any sort of vehicle that leads to complete mayhem and idiocy? I'm being kind. A large portion of the population are already idiots, the wheel has nothing to do with it. Lets narrow down our population and speak only about those individuals who drive a car, ride a bicycle, use an elevator or steer a shopping cart.

The Ass Car Driver - Driving in New Jersey is the bane of my existence. People are just inept. Turning signals are never used, or never turned off. There is no understanding of what "merging in to traffic" means. Going 10 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane is common practice, and I feel, encouraged by Satan. Parking within the actual parking spot lines is merely a suggestion, and parking horizontally and taking up 3 spots in prime parking real estate is justified. (P.S. I don't care if you have a car worth hundreds of thousands of dollars or a rickety machine held together with spit and tic tacs, if you park horizontally in the front of any lot, you are a giant ass). While some of the behavior can be explained by the sheer amount of people - like the Genie in Aladdin, we have PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS! in itty-bitty living space - that certainly is not the full story. People in NJ cannot drive. We're not as bad as Connecticut, but we're close.

• A caveat: My personal pet peeve is the person hogging the passing lane by doing below or just at the speed limit. I will freely admit that I have a lead foot. This, however does not make me a bad, careless, or reckless driver. This means I am, technically, breaking the law. I counter with: speeding in itself is not inherently bad. Look at Germany's Autobahn that has advisory speed limits. Speeding doesn't cause an accident. Inattention and poor driving skills do. Get off the phone, stop texting, stay to the right when you're not passing, and drive. I can guarantee you that me going 80 mp/h is much safer than you going 60 in the passing lane while texting. Oh. And please stop performing your makeup, hair and shaving regiments in the car. It's absurd.

The Ass Bicyclist - I feel the same way about bicyclists as I do about pedestrians. You do have every right to be on the street. You have every right to be crossing the street. Never forget, however, that you're dealing with cars. Your rights mean squat when you are splat on the street. Bicyclists can be and are asses a lot of the time, as they do not follow the rules of the road. Hey. You. Bicyclist Person. If you want to be considered a vehicle on the road, pay attention to stop lights and traffic signs. If you're a vehicle, then act like one. Going through red lights and crossing traffic isn't cool. You can't want vehicular rights, and then not follow the rules of vehicles. Just 'cause you're in fancy pants and a cool helmet doesn't make you above the law. Hey. You. Pedestrian Person. Same goes for you. Minus the helmet. Unless you need one for other purposes, then peace be with you.

　

The Ass Elevator Person - Picture it. You're waiting for the elevator at the ground floor. You have selected the appropriate button, indicating your choice of up, and it is illuminated. This is the right and only choice. In walks person "X" and stands a few seconds, sees the button lit up, but says "to hell with it" and hits it again. Personally, I would like to punch this person in the throat when they do this. I cannot hide my displeasure. Did I not hit the UP button correctly? Was it not illuminated to your liking? Do you think you have the magic finger that will summon the elevator God? The elevator is a mechanism that works on a series of WHEELS and pulleys. Since potential occupants have no control over this carriage other than to push a button, they get antsy. They are overtly exercising their control over the situation, even though they have none. The only control they have is to not piss off their fellow passengers. Which we already have seen, is not the forte of any "driver".

　

The Ass Shopping Cart Person - So you've finished you're shopping, loaded your groceries in the car, and now you're left with a cart. What to do, what to do? Well, I'll tell you. This isn't opinion, this isn't advice. This is an admonition. Put the effing cart in the cart-collection area. It's clearly marked. Every place I've ever been that's large enough to require carts has a receptacle for receiving back said carts. Or wheel it back to the entrance. I know the idea of actually walking back to the entrance is shocking to some, but it might do you good. Let's take the flip side on this. How many times have you pulled into a parking spot thinking it empty and find there's a shopping cart parked at the junction of the four lines that comprise all four parking spots? Mother effer you say. Mother effer I say. You don't like it done to you, then get off your lazy bottom and put the cart back where it is not stopping someone from parking as they should. Shopping cart Karma can and will come to bite you in the behind. And usually in the form of a rogue cart being slammed into your car.

What have I discovered during my X amount of years driving? People are awful drivers and they're only getting worse. When in doubt, follow the truck driver. While some trucks can be complete traffic bullies, the majority know how to actually drive and not just how to steer.

The major point being is that transporting yourself from Point A to Point B, is not a pastime. I realize I sound old as hell. That should say something, 'cause I'm not old as hell. Yet. Your phone call is not more important than driving, your text is not more important than driving. Oh. And get the eff out of the left lane if you're not passing someone.

Finally, (this is from my Mom)... watch out for other people on the road. She always says, "How do you know that you're not passing a crazy person?" My answer is, "How do THEY know THEY'RE not passing one?" Road Rage does exist. I am an example of Road-Annoyance. However, I only have annoyance because other people are morons. If I didn't have to deal with Asses on Wheels, I would be a Zen-Like person. Maybe.

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo