What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As my Birthday just passed, I think it's a great time to delve into the topic of what you wanted to be when you grew up. Did you want to be a fireman? A doctor? An astronaut or a politician? Did you want to be a banker, a pilot or a famous chef? All noble career aspirations.
My brother wanted to be a brick layer, and I wanted to be an Emergency Room Unit Clerk**. We had such high aspirations, even as kids.
- **Due to a certain speech impediment that I had as a child, it was pronounced Unit "Cluck". Since my mother was a "Cluck", I wanted to be a "Cluck" just like her. A fact that is still mentioned at most family gatherings. You must have thick skin to dine with my family, pretty much on any occasion**
Now that I'm forced to check the box that says "Single Woman 35-40", I find myself still asking that same question. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
An unscientific and unverified poll conducted by yours truly has shown that I am not alone in my search for career meaning. Many, many people that I've "interviewed" have absolutely no idea what they want to be when they grow up. This includes late teenagers through mid- 60ers. It appears that you are certainly a blessed person if you knew what you always wanted to be and are actually doing it. Bully for you. You can probably stop reading now, as the rest of this blog will pertain to those of us who have no such insight.
As I'm sure we've all done, I ran the gamut of things I "knew" I wanted to be: A doctor, a music producer, a lawyer, an A&R person for an indie record label, a journalist, a sociologist, a social worker, even a zoologist at one point. Take note: I am currently none of these things today. Not even close. Not even a little bit.
I recall taking a test in High School when my career goal, at the time, was to be a doctor. This test was designed to find your academic strengths and weaknesses, gauge your reasoning skills and assess your talents in certain areas. I'm not sure how a Scan-Tron test can show these things, but work with me, it was the 1990's. The results came back which showed that I was ill-suited to be a doctor, but my strengths were high in agriculture and law. So I could be a farmer lawyer, or a lawyer farmer, but ixnay on the octorday. I'm not sure how any of my classmates felt about this test, but it really affected me! I felt this was the equivalent of someone telling me that you were too dumb to even attempt "X" career. Now, while some people would look at that as a challenge and say "Screw that! I always wanted to be a doctor, and I'm going to be damnit!", I took it as a slap to the face, since my career goals were never set in stone. And still aren't. P.S. I also think that this test should have been explained by a guidance counselor as merely an "assessment", but that's neither here not there. The effers.
Fast forward to today, and I'm pretty much in the same boat I was in 20+ years ago. I have no idea what I want to do with my career life. I have a good job. Work for an amazing company. Have an extensive background in my field. I make a decent living, that has afforded me the luxury of buying my own place in Northern New Jersey - which is no easy feat. Yet...I'm still waiting for that Big Bang Moment, when fireworks blaze and light bulbs flash above my head. I think I'm looking for a moment that doesn't exist.
I think my epiphany is that there is never going to be an epiphany.
When you're young, you say "I can't wait to grow up". Like being a grown up occurs at some absolute date and time. A portal that moves your from Kid to Adult at exactly August 10, 1995. At least, that's how I always thought of it. I still don't feel grown up. I'm still amazed I drive in rush hour traffic and attend business meetings. I'm floored that I have a Corporate Amex that requires a monthly expense report . I shouldn't be responsible for these things! I'm just a kid! Right?
Obviously not. I'm a grown adult woman who shouldn't get pats on the back for changing her car oil. Or be high-fived for paying the cable bill. I get that in my brain. My heart, however is still an odd-looking 15 year old that takes the bus to school and waits impatiently for snow days.
So, I'm back at square one - but with an extra bonus. I might not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know the journey is approximately half over. The more time I waste waiting for something to find me, the more I am slowly becoming a robot. It's time for me to find something and fast. My blog might be a teeny little speck in the massive internet universe, but it's a start.
I'm also finding that the older I get, the less interested I am in finding the perfect fit. I'm more interested in trying on things that might be uncomfortable, to see how I handle it. I'm finding that saying "Yes" to things might be the best way to approach life. This is a new thought process for me and I'm dipping into that pool with a pinkie toe first. The people I find that I admire most are those that listen to their own drummer, do their own thing, and make no apologies. I'm lucky enough to have a small but deep pool of people that always inspire me. I'm learning to accept that what I consider my weaknesses, might be viewed as strengths by someone else. You are who you are. You work on what you don't like about yourself, but you never change to accommodate anyone else. While you can't necessarily let your freak flag fly in Corporate America, it's a grown up thing to acknowledge that you're OK by being simply you.
And when in doubt, it always helps to pop in Tom Waits' "I Don't Want to Grow Up" to feel like you've found a kindred spirit. 'Cause who really wants to be a grown-up anyway?
Lady Butterfly
xoxo
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