Halloween: Unearthed

Halloween:  Unearthed

 

 

Halloween is quickly approaching.  The time for kids to don their superhero capes, princess dresses and creepy masks in order to beg for candy from complete strangers.  Sounds totally normal.  I wonder what visitors from another planet would think if they happened to choose October 31 to observe our planet.   Would they leave the Milky Way in a hurry, distressed at all the different humanoid life forms that co-exist on the planet?  Would they consider us intellectually sub-par, since anyone can simply go to the grocery store and BUY candy, without the need for a costume?  Would they think us aggressive, as many of the favorite costumes are those of fighting comic books characters?  I wonder…I wonder…

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1200.  Destination, Earth:  We have entered the galaxy and are currently approaching Earth.  We have spent years studying this specific planet from afar, and have orders to continue our observation, from a closer vantage point.   

Our orders are to teleport to Earth, using a reimaging program that allows us to appear human.  This is a purely sociological and informational gathering journey.  Interaction with the Earthlings should be limited to primarily observing and secondly speaking only when spoken to.  While our crew is familiar with many of the inhabitant’s values, mores and standard daily behavior, we are not equipped to answer specific questions or to carry on conversations as true humans do. 

Our orders are to teleport to New Jersey, United States, as this has proven to have the highest concentration of humans with questionable intelligence.  End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1300.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth:  We have teleported to a suburban town in New Jersey and are safely reimaged in the likeness of humans:  2 adult males and 2 adult females.  Due to Star Fleet regulations, the specific location of our observation cannot be divulged in the Captain’s Log.  We shall herein refer to the town as “Somewhere, New Jersey”.

Shortly after our arrival we witnessed an odd occurrence.  The shorter inhabitants of “Somewhere, New Jersey”, known to humans as “children” or “kids”, were seen exiting their building of education dressed in strange and troubling outerwear.  Some of these children were dressed as if they could take flight, as confirmed by their billowing capes.  It should be noted that we have yet to witness any child actually fly.  Other children had facial coverings on.  These coverings “masked” the child by giving them a completely different face. One without changeable emotions.  Many of these facial coverings were green in color with holes for their eyes, noses and mouth.  These holes were presumably created to assist the child in seeing and breathing, however they did not seem to function correctly – as many children were seen walking in to walls and gasping for air.

Also witnessed were children dressed in black with pointy hats and green tinted skin.  These outfits are remarkably similar to our sister planet, the BroomHildaians.  Captain’s Note:  A summit between our Home Planet and that of the BroomHilidians must be established.  Star Fleet Regulations strictly forbade the BroomHilidians from visiting Earth again, due to the unfortunate incident captured between one BroomHilidian named ‘Witch Hazel’ and a bunny named ‘Bugs’.

 

Besides the dress of these children, a second and even more disturbing event took place.  While exiting the educational building, the children formed a line and marched in a circle around the perimeter of the traffic area.  This seemed to be some sort of parade, witnessed by the older humans and captured on digital photo imaging mechanisms.  The children waved and marched, with seemingly no purpose except to record the process on various sorts of machinery. 

These events have certainly taken the crew by surprise.  We can only assume this is some sort of initiation. We are quite unsure how to proceed and must gather to plot our next course of action.   End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1800.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth:  After returning to the ship for an emergency meeting, we have returned to Earth.  Cloaked once again in our human forms, we proceed with trepidation into the darkening hours of evening.  The meeting aboard the ship was ripe with emotion; with many feeling we should abandon our journey all together.  The valid point was made that we clearly do not understand the human species as well as we thought, and we could be placing our lives in harm’s way.  In the end, as Captain, I made the decision to move forward with our mission, and to report on our findings, regardless of personal risk.  This log will serve as a witness to all that we have seen, in the event we do not make it back to our Home Planet.

After witnessing the troubling spectacle earlier in the day, we have now moved on to walk the town and to observe further human interaction.  Once again, we are faced with children in disguise, gathered into groups of no fewer than 5-6.  These children are carrying containers of varying shapes, sizes and colors.  Others carry both a container and a glowing neon green stick - which is not unlike the color of our uncloaked skin.  We are once again faced with the fear that these children are aware of our presence and are sending a subtle yet clear message of:  RETREAT!

These groups of humanoid children approach a dwelling, holding out their various containers, while ringing an alert to the dwellings portal.  An adult human opens the door and the children scream words that are unintelligible.  What is picked up clearly is the last word, “……TREAT!”

With that word uttered, we once again hurry back to the ship, as we have obviously been warned to RETREAT, by the seemingly innocent children of Earth. End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 2200.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth: The crew has been understandably frazzled by the day’s events, and has unanimously voted to leave the Milky Way and all things Earth behind.  I have reminded them, once again, of our mission.  We have teleported back to Earth one last time to observe the final hours of an Earth Day.  We will continue to log our journey and the dangers that seem to lurk everywhere.

Our final destination on this ill-fated trip is to a place called “BAR”.  Our English translation device tells us that this is an establishment that serves liquids meant to make Earthlings feel euphoric, before making them feel sick.  The device also provides some common terms related to imbibing of this liquid, the most frequent being “I’m never drinking again.” As with the rest of the day, we are thoroughly confused by the behavior of all things human.

As we enter the “Bar” we are once again greeted with humans in strange outerwear.  The humans are different, however.  These are not children.  These are ADULTS.  The males are dressed in outerwear that is nonsensical:  A Caveman, for instance.  Through our studies we are fully aware that caveman no longer exist, yet these human males are wearing similar clothing.  While the human male’s behavior is very similar to that of the Caveman, his brow is not nearly as pronounced and his hair follicles do not play as much of a role as his early ancestors.  Usually.  Otherwise, the differences are miniscule.

The adult women, on the other hand, seem to have lost their outerwear.  While clutching glasses of this liquid elixir, the women are dressed as if they live in a much warmer climate than they do.  They are also dressed as if they are unaware of their actual outerwear size. Many of the women wear some sort of detachable feline ear, along with a long tail.  Others wear outfits that do not seem to have any theme whatsoever.   It is interesting to see the mating rituals of the human man to the human woman.   Specifically when the elixir begins to take effect.

As we circle the room the human male behind the counter serving the liquid shouts to us that we need to leave unless we are “dressed up”.  We are unsure what this term means and use our translation device to try and decipher.  “Dressed Up”, as identified by the device, “is to alter one’s appearance for attendance at a special event.  To wear fancy outerwear.”  It goes on with a second definition, “To alter one’s appearance to look unlike others.  See Costume.”  We had no idea what “costume” was and as our Earth time was running out, we chose to forgo a further search.  We opted to deactivate our reimaging program and appear in our natural state.  End Captain’s Log.

 

 

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1101. Time 0100.  Destination, Home Planet:  The crew is safely aboard the ship and heading back to our home planet.  Our journey to Earth has been eventful, enlightening and scary.  We are glad to leave this planet and vow never to return.

As the Captain, I would be remiss if I did not log that, upon leaving the “BAR” establishment, we were rewarded with a trophy of some sort.  One that is inscribed with “Best Halloween Costume Winner, October 31, 2013.”  Again, this is an enigma to us.  One that we are not certain we shall ever unravel. Final Entry.  End Captain’s Log.

 

Happy Halloween my ghouls and ghosts!!

 

With Love

Lady Butterly

xoxo

 

Wedded Bless. I said BLISS, you IDIOT!

Wedded Bless.  I said BLISS, you IDIOT

 

 

I'd like to start off this post with a confession:

The longest relationship I have is with my childhood stuffed bear. Aptly named Bear Bear. Poor Bear Bear suffered a severe accident when my older brother, overcome with rage at something his pesky sister did, poured sugar water all over his belly - soaking his fur and matting his luxurious coat. Afterwards, my brother felt bad, so he hid him in the closet for awhile. When I finally rescued Bear Bear, he was like Rock Candy, but with two eyes and a felt tongue. Bear Bear has never been the same since, but he has been with me since I was 5. He currently sits on my bureau overlooking his kingdom. Weird belly-fur and all.

With that said, my parents have been married for 48 years. I keep looking at the blinking cursor on my screen to absorb what that means. They met as kids, and got married at the age of 18. 48 years of wedded bliss later, they are still together. They have been married so long, they don't even argue anymore. They call their kids to argue through them. Here's an example:

Mom: "Your father is the most aggravating man on earth. Why does he always use the good dish towels to wipe off his dirty hands? I swear, I will never understand the thoughts that go through his head."

Dad: "I don't know. Your mother's annoyed about something with the dishwasher."

See what happened there? Did you notice the subtle twist? What my father heard, is not what my mother said. This happens throughout my family. It happens with such frequency that the family as a unit now tosses up any misunderstanding as an apparent miscommunication. Like a convoluted game of "Telephone", no one can seem to get it right.

Spending that amount of time together will make you do some seemingly kooky things. For instance, both my Mom and Dad will decide a few times a year that it's "time to go through some part of their house and consolidate". Throw things out. Get rid of the junk. What invariably happens is they gather for hours, bicker, and end up throwing out jewelry my Mom says she'll never wear, and model cars that my Dad used to collect. They end up keeping the broken straw hat and the plastic bag it came in. You know...just in case. They'll then call my brother or I and ask if we want our High School diplomas, because they need to "throw things out". Kooky. I will never understand how they decide what to toss and what to keep. It seems random, but there must be some method to their madness. There are other things that are just as odd. Many other things.

 

 

 

Exhibit A:

Spontaneous Deafness - Like a child who doesn't want to go to bed, both my Mom and Dad seem to become instantly deaf when they hear something they don't like. Such as, "Hey Dad, wanna come over for lunch this weekend?" "What? I didn't hear you, Karie. Lemme call you back."

 

Amazing Spidey-Sense Hearing - On the flipside, my Mom can hear a pin drop in a pile of pillows somewhere in Indiana if she wants to. If you say something under your breath upstairs and across the hall, she'll hear you downstairs in the basement. It's truly a super-power.

 

Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results - My parents have had their computer in the corner of the dining room for well over 20 years. And for 20 years, that corner has been the black hole of sound. If anyone is saying anything in any other part of the house, no matter how close, you hear nothing when sitting there. This however, does not stop either my Mom or my Dad from continually talking to each other from this corner of the room, or to the person sitting in the corner of the room. The conversation invariably goes as follows: "James, did you feed the dogs?" "James?" "James?!". OR "Bet, do you want a salad from the Italian place?" "Bet?" "Bet?!". You'd think after this amount of time, they'd gather that this solitary location on earth carries no sound. Nope. This also applies to one standing at the kitchen sink and running water while talking.

Now, of course they are MY parents. Only my brother and I see certain things. However, In case you think me jaded, I'd like to include Exhibit B for consideration.

Exhibit B:

The Veterinarian's Office - I take my cat Dorothy to the same vet that my parents take their two dogs - Sophie and Lulu. This week, I had to take my Dottie for her annual check-up. After the exam and the all clear from the vet, we started chit chatting. Once the Doctor and staff realized that I was not only related to Bet and Jim, but I was their daughter, the whole office was huddled around the doorway relaying stories. My favorite being the Vet Assistant who called my Mom after Sophie's recent surgery. After the Assistant asked my Mom how the night went, my mother replied "It was a f*cking horrible night**." I just nodded and laughed and said, "Yep. That sounds like my Mom." The Assistant loved her. The entire staff couldn't sing my parents praises enough; calling them cute and funny; bickering and hysterical. **I do have to note my mother vehemently denies saying this. I believe the Vet Assistant.

One of the the best things about my parents is they ARE hysterical. It also helps that they look a little bit like Laurel and Hardy. I'm not sure who that insults more, my Mom or Dad, but it's true. My mother is tall and super skinny, like Olive Oil with a dirty mouth. My Dad gives the impression of being shorter due to his belly - which he has recently lost. They walk around like a mismatched pair of shoes and just make you smile.

My Mom is more high strung, my Dad is more easy-going. My Mom could wipe the floor with you in terms of wit. My Dad has absolutely no idea what she's saying. My Mom reads. My Dad watches TV. My Mom has not only won the argument, but has moved on to the next one. My Dad is still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

48 years later and they are still together. No marriage is perfect and no parents or children are perfect. The older I get, the more I appreciate the things that used to annoy me. The more I understand what it is they mean to each other. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Even if they both hear that as "Karie said she's interested in world trade."

　

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

 

The Muppet Movie: An Odyssey

The Muppet Movie:  An Odyssey

As the saying goes: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Pishaw I say. Phooey I say. When life gives you lemons, pop in a copy of "The Muppet Movie". Sit down on your couch, slip your arms through your Snuggie, and curl up to the best feel good movie this side of, well...anywhere.

 

Not only does this 1979 movie bring with it a cavalcade of stars - a virtual who's who from days gone by - it's a movie with a heartwarming tale to tell. I say this only with the slightest of wry smiles:

 

"The Muppet Movie" can change your life.

 

The plot itself is simple. A contented frog sits in a swamp strumming on his banjo and singing a lovely tune, as most frogs do. It's a known fact that Frogs are to banjos what Newton is to gravity. This fact is probably on a college entrance test somewhere. I digress. A contented frog sits in a swamp and a young and chubby Dom Deluise rows by in a canoe. He happens to be a Hollywood agent who sees potential in our sweet amphibian. Before being chased off by a' gator, Dom gives inspiration to our protagonist, and provides him with a dream he never knew he even had: To be a movie star and make millions of people happy.

 

Example #1 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Provides Encouragement -A man talks to a frog in a swamp and sees his potential. He not only sees his potential, he tells him he HAS potential. He not only tells him he has potential, but encourages him to ACT on his potential. A lovely message for all ages. Whether you're a banjo-strummin' frog or not.

 

 

 

 

 

Kermit THE frog decides to roll the dice and sets out to conquer Hollywood. In addition to singing and playing an instrument, Kermit is also an avid bicyclist - riding a nifty Schwinn through town. He is spotted by the evil Doc Hopper, who wants Kermit for his good looks, but mostly for his legs. You see, Doc Hopper is a restaurateur, and Kermit would be ideal for his french-fried Frogs Legs menu-delicacy. Kermit is rightly appalled, and turns him down flatly.

 

Example #2 of why the "Muppet Movie" can change your life:  Promotes Goals- Kermit could have taken Doc Hopper's offer and been a very wealthy frog. He would have been famous and probably made a bunch of people - maybe not millions- but a bunch of people, happy. Kermit had integrity and did not let the tantalizing carrot of quick wealth and instant fame sway him from his morals. Go Kermit.

 

After leaving Doc " hopping" mad, Kermit continues on his journey. He happens upon a restaurant that serves the lowest of low - aptly named the "El Sleezo Cafe" - and watches a stand-up comedian dodge flying vegetables as he tells corny jokes. The comedian, a fuzzy bear in a Pork Pie hat and polka dot tie, ends up being overtaken by the crowd. Tossed in to the air and caught on the ceiling fan, the bear is finally catapulted off and lands behind the bar. Luring the patrons outside with a promise of drinks "on" the house, Kermit and Fozzie the Bear have time to chat. Kermit and Fozzie hit it off, with Fozzie quickly offering up his hibernating Uncle's Studebaker, as well as his company to Kermit. The two set off as fast friends.

 

Example #3 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life:  Encourages Sharing - Kermit didn't have to tell Fozzie where he was going. Hollywood is a cut-throat town and everyone is an enemy. Human to human. Frog to Bear. It matters not. Fozzie didn't have to offer up his Uncle's car as transportation, he could have let the frog fend for himself, knowing that a ruthless Doc Hopper is hot on his tail. Both Kermit and Fozzie knew that working together would help them both.

 

Evading Doc Hopper again, Kermit and Fozzie travel the highways and byways on their trek to Hollywood. Along the way they meet many unique and quirky characters:

 

Gonzo - a plumber who loves his chicken, Camilla, but does have a wandering eye; Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem - a rock and roll band who help to disguise the Studebaker by painting it a camouflage of rainbows and sparkles; Rowlf - The piano playing dog who knows the blues and, finally; Miss Piggy - The Beauty Queen-winning pig who has her eyes set on Hollywood, but her heart set on Kermit.

 

Example #4 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Demonstrates Love - In the "Muppet Movie" world there's no such thing as impossible love. A purple, hooked-nosed alien creature can love a chicken, while a blue-eyeshadowed blond pig can love a simple frog. This is not frowned upon or looked at as crazy. It is accepted and understood.

 

Mayhem, car chases, and doubt ensue. Everyone Kermit meets wants to go with him to Hollywood. Not just because they want to catch a star, but because Kermit provides hope. Kermit is such a pure froggy soul, that no one can question his intent or integrity. His generosity and spirit of giving provides a refuge to this haphazard crew of Muppets. They have formed a group and are united in a goal; standing behind and for one another.

 

 

 

 

I won't spoil the ending or reveal more of the plot for those who have not yet watched the movie - or for those who haven't watched it in quite some time. I will reveal this, however: Muppets are better people than most people.

 

Example #5 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Gives Faith - The "Muppet Movie" leaves viewers with a sense of faith in humanity. While most of the humans in the film are corrupt or, at the best, disingenuous, the movie itself captures the pure idealism of faith in others. It shows how complete strangers can carry you on their shoulders, and how friendship can weather any storm. It provides faith in living your life, and experiencing life with those around us.

 

Like Odysseus, Kermit went on a long journey and faced many trials and foes. He had trusted friends, he became awakened to new experiences, he endured heartache, and he questioned the meaning of his journey. Like Odysseus, Kermit discovered who he was, and, in the end, what really mattered.

 

"The Muppet Movie" might be a kids movie. It might be comprised of puppetry and strings. It might be schmaltzy. It might be gooey. Hell, it's ALL of these things. It's also one of the best movies a person can watch when they've lost some of their faith in their fellow man...and themselves.

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo