Attack of the Brain

When Anxiety Attacks

The last week has not been very productive, or fun.  I'll put it plainly.  Starting last Saturday, I began to feel extremely fatigued.  Not just a little tired, but full-out doggone wiped out.  After a full night of writing on Friday,  I slept from 6am Saturday morning until 6am Sunday morning.  Getting up only to feed my ever patient cat and to take some medicine.  Once those chores were hurried through,  I headed back to bed as quickly as possible.  I had previously taken Monday off from work, with the hopes of writing a short fiction story that has been bubbling inside my brain for a few weeks.  No dice.  I slept all day Monday as well.  I should have seen something coming.  I should have known something was "off".

Tuesday and Wednesday I was back to work, tired but capable.  Thursday morning "it" hit. 
 

"It" being an anxiety attack.   My anxiety attacks are sleep induced.  Which does not mean what it sounds like.  When I  read about  sleep induced anxiety attacks, it typically relates to a persons lack of ability to fall asleep - due to worry, stress, and the like. Maybe a man or woman not being able to fall asleep or not feeling refreshed after getting sleep.  Yeah.  Not my issue at all.

 My sleep induced anxiety is brought on by sleep.  I'm reading that sentence and I'm shaking my head.  I'm assuming you might be as well.

I've always had crazy sleep habits.  Some of these were documented in a previous post but the older I'm getting, the more impact these nighttime episodes are have a negative effect on me. 

I'm not scared to fall asleep.  I'm not scared to dream.  I'm not scared of what might happen. My mindset prior to falling asleep is not one of fear in anyway.  Unfortunately, when a person, such as me, experiences these types of anxiety attacks, it really doesn't matter what kind of an attitude you go to bed with.  Your attitude, or at least your conscience attitude, plays no part in the play.  The attack is going to happen.  Even if you were Cinderella on the previous night.

 

In my case, I started experiencing sleep anxiety attacks in January 2012.  January 30th, 2012 at 4am to be exact. I woke up with an intense -almost painful- feeling of fear.  Hand-shaking, heart-palpitating terror.  A feeling I had never felt before.  I knew I wasn't having a heart attack, but I had no idea what was going on.  Maybe I had a bad taco?

 

 

 

I actually attempted to go to work that day, and made it  until 11:00am before I felt like I needed to bust out of the third story window to get the hell out of there.  I shook.  I shivered.  I cried.  I paced.  Nothing could take away the feeling:  I needed to GO.  I needed to be GONE.  What I needed was to leave ME, and there was no way to do that.  I sobbed on the phone to my mother. To my brother.  Both offering their help and saying to come visit them.  I couldn't.  It was an itch that couldn't be scratched inside my very brain.  All I knew was that I was in skin that I couldn't get out of.  Skin that needed to be shed IMMEDIATELY.  And there wasn't the slightest thing I could do about it.

 

It took two full days to come down from that episode. Two full days of feeling trapped and scared, and then tired and scared.  That's a long time for an anxiety attack, I have since learned.

 

After doing some research and seeing a doctor, I determined what my problem was (anxiety) and there was no disguising why it was occurring at that time. 

 

The entire year of 2011 was the worst year of my family's life.  My mother was hospitalized several times, including once with a diagnosis of kidney cancer and another time with a broken hip - to name only the highlights.  My dog had a seizure.  My brother left his job.   I had acute appendicitis that needed to be operated on immediately.  The list goes on and on.  I clearly understood why I was having the anxiety attacks NOW.  I simply didn't have time for them in 2011!

 

I was put on a medication that was intended to stave off the anxiety attacks.  The problem was, this medication was made by the Devil himself.  This  medication was made in Hades, manufactured in Tartarus, and delivered by Satan.  Think I'm being over-dramatic?  Here's an example of the effects of this "medication":

• I once forgot to take the medication during my normal lunch hour.  I remembered and took it at dinner, approximately 5-6 hours later.  I woke up with sleep paralysis - which means I couldn't move, scream or talk - knowing there were snakes and animals in my house.  Doors were opening and slamming.  Snakes were slithering on my bed and around my head.  Tigers were in the living room.  I tried desperately to reach my phone, but even when I could move - the phone had no numbers on which to dial.  It took HOURS for me to be able to call anyone.  My father came over and I literally kept poking him, because I didn't think he was real.  I didn't think he existed.  This is what this drug did to me, after delaying the dose by 5 hours.  This is not written on the warning label, this is not listed as a side effect.

 

I wish I could say that that was the only time this happened.  Unfortunately, it wasn't.  If you didn't take it at the exact time every day, the window got shorter and shorter.  I remember speaking on the phone one day to a friend, after taking the dose 2 hours late, and telling her the cliffs outside my house were moving and you could already see monstrous faces in them.  Now, like all medications, one person's miracle drug is another person's hemlock.  I posted my experiences on various forums.  Some people experienced slightly similar episodes, while others praised it's healing affects.  Tomayto. Tomahto.  That's what I say.

 

 

 

 

I'm now on a lighter, less aggressive anti-anxiety medication that does not have nearly the side effects as the previous.  I've had some reaction with the sleep paralysis, but never to the extreme of the other.  Unfortunately, with any type of medical or psychological issue, it just takes time. 

 

Back to this week, where I had my last anxiety attack.  I honestly cannot say why it occurred.  I have had things on my mind, as we all do.  I have had annoyances, as we all do.  Nothing amazingly out of the ordinary has occurred - other than this incredible fatigue.  My goal moving forward is to start tracking my fatigue levels and sleep patterns vs. my anxiety attacks to see if there's any pattern.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?

 

After each anxiety attack, the next day I am depressed and withdrawn.  Sad and weepy.  Which is today.

 

What I can say, what I can offer is this:  When panic attacks, hold it.  Recognize it.  Realize it's not "you".  Once you can get a grasp on the fact that you are going through something, and you are going to be OK, you just have to go along for the ride.  I honestly believe recognizing where your mindset is, is 3/4th the battle.  If you know you're depressed, you are already ahead of the game, because you are aware that something is wrong. If you fight the anxiety, you allow it to win.  Float with it. Suffer through it.  Always knowing you are "you".

 

When anxiety attacks.  Let it.  You'll win the war in the end. 

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo