Welcome to the Jungle

Who Needs a Safari?!

 

Let us take a journey into the wild.  A wild so overflowing with predators and blood-thirsty creatures, that few have even the slightest chance of survival.  A habitat so viperous, only the most cunning and cutting can escape unscathed.

Our journey shall begin as most journeys do - travelling to our inhospitable destination.  Do not fool yourself - the journey itself is riddled with it's own set of pitfalls and near-death experiences.  Like any roller-coaster warning, only those with a strong stomach and healthy heart should attempt this trek.  This is no ride for joy, however.   Oh no.  This is a ride to epiphany.

The journey should begin in the morning hours.  NOTE:  While not necessary, it is highly advisable to head out as early as possible, as the danger is somewhat lessened the closer to dawn you begin your excursion.  Bear in mind, however, that dangers still lurk about you in every direction, so it is important to stay on your toes.  Your mind must be sharp as you navigate the pathways to your final destination.  

From every direction you are faced with the threat of possible doom.  To the right of you is a beast of unimaginable weight and girth, drifting towards you in a menacing fashion.  To the left of you is a barely identifiable object as it hurtles forth in to the unknown.  Both behind and in front of you lies craters, boulders, sudden bluish-colored rain showers, and objects darting out that seemed to spring from nowhere.  I cannot stress this enough:  Tread lightly and with a vigilant eye.  Should you survive, the destination and it's inhabitants are well worth the scientific study.

 

At this point, you have (hopefully) made it to the gateway of the wildlife habitat.  You will need to show credentials before passing through it's gates, so be sure these are in your possession at the time of arrival.  Lack of credentials will lead to a lengthy wait, regardless of anything you provide to show that you have been granted access to what lies beyond. Save yourself the time and trouble and bring your approved entry pass.

You have now entered the wild.  Take a breath.   Soak it in.  Appreciate the serenity, for this is the last time you shall feel serene for a very...long...time.

Do not be taken in by the seemingly calm atmosphere.  To mistake calmness for safety is a far too common trap in which many have lost their humanity.  Calmness is the purr of the wild tiger.  Calmness is the rattle of the snake.  Calmness is not as it appears.

Your first adventure will be to the feeding grounds, where wildlife of all species congregate to satisfy their need for hunger and thirst.  This is one of the only two "safe" zones in the habitat.  Since this area is well stocked with all necessary food items for each resident,  the inhabitants are more consumed with consuming and less concerned with man-eating.  This watering hole is best visited in the morning and early afternoon hours.  These are both the safest times for the explorer, as well as the most observationally satisfying. 

The second of the two "safe" zones is the waste management station, which serves as a refuge for the inhabitants with bladder relief issues.  This zone is safe for the primary reason that one visits this station for an urgent purpose.  Since more pressing issues are on the inhabitants mind at the time, this prevents one from being attacked.  For now.

After the feeding grounds, you will travel onward to the corral.  The corral is located within the center of the habitat and can be accessed by several pathways and trails.  The corral is a series of blocked off spaces that serve as stalls for the inhabitants.  These walled boxes provide a sense of privacy, and are equipped with the tools necessary for the wildlife to stay occupied and keep their minds engaged.  Spatterings may appear within the walls of these stalls. Some experts have suggested these spatterings suggest an representation of the creatures "work".  Others believe these to be a cry for help.  One really shall never know.  It is very important, however, not to disrupt any of the spatterings, as this greatly agitates the occupier of said corral.  These occupiers are known as "Corral Dwellers".

You will observe that, after walking the corral, some spaces are quite larger than others.  And others have, what appears to be, a "privacy shield" attached.  This signifies the "Leader" of the herd.  There is dispute among the scientific community concerning these "privacy shields".  Some suggest that these act as doors, other experts insist they are for protection.  For the sake of ease, we shall call them "doors".  This door indicates that the occupant should be looked upon with respect. It has been documented that being a Leader does not automatically garner respect among the Corral Dwellers.  This is a unique and interesting sight to see, and should be noted. Unlike in other habitats, in this wild, the Leader must prove themselves worthy of esteem.  Of course, this is not true in all cases.  You will happen upon the occasional Corral Dweller who sniffs around the Leaders door and makes motions to clean up their soiled hay. 

 

Corral Dwellers and Leaders intermingle often.  The common relationship being the Leader stealing the Corral Dwellers spatterings and offering them up as their own to their "Prince", for recognition and reward.  The viperous behaviour begins here.  The Corral Dweller has little recourse, but is aware of the misdeed.  You will notice a type of glazed-eye weariness among many of the Corral Dwellers.  No.  They are not drugged.  They are merely dwelling within their corral.

Once you have observed the center of the habitat, your next adventure will be to explore the perimeter of the grounds.  Be cautious on this excursion.  Those inhabitants who feel themselves superior to both Corral Dwellers and Leaders reside here.

The perimeter of the habitat provides the best views of the entire wild.  These dwellings also provide, what we have termed, "doors".  These doors are much more foreboding, as they stand higher and wider than those of the Leader.  The inhabitants of these dwellings range from "Duke" to "Prince", and finally to "King".

To avoid confusion, the below might be helpful:

·         Corral Dwellers congregate with Corral Dwellers, trying to congregate with Leaders, but really don't give a f*ck after awhile

·         Leaders congregate with Leaders, trying to congregate with Duke's, and forced to congregate with Corral Dwellers

·         Dukes congregate with Dukes, trying to congregate with Prince's, and forced to congregate with Leaders

·         Princes congregate with Princes, trying to congregate with the King, and forced to congregate with Dukes

The predatory behavior can start as low on the totem pole as Corral Dweller, but certainly becomes bloodier and more cut throat at the Leader to Duke cutoff.

The Corral Dweller will have his/her wall spatterings stolen by the Leader.  The Leader, in turn, presents the stolen spatterings as their own to the Duke.  The Duke, not wanting to be outdone by the Leader, will poke holes in the spattering, grunting out an indication that the spattering has potential, but is not "Habitat Material".  The Duke, meanwhile, presents the suggestion of the spattering to the Prince, who finds the image interesting.  The Prince then growls the spattering to the King, who paw prints a decline - for lack of habitat funds.

Should you have made it out of this journey into the wild alive, I suggest one thing.  RUN.  Do not walk.  RUN.  A safe retreat from this habitat is rare.  Take with you what you have learned and recognize the importance of the ant to life.

Find a dwelling you are the co-master of and become your own King.  Or Queen.

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly  xoxo

Smoke Blowing and Other Olympic Sports

Smoke Blowing and Other Olympic Sports

Work. A four letter word if there ever was one. WORK. "Wərk". Even the harsh "K" sound at the end of it reminds you of other, more colorful, four letter words. WORK. work. WoRk. The more I type it, the more it looks like a shortened term for the cute little teddy bear creatures that made "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" unwatchable. Ewok. Work. It works.
 

Work. A laborious, soul crushing experience; a delightful and fulfilling joy; or something that lies in between. Work. Something that the majority of us must do, whether we love it or hate it.

 

Work is also the mundane everyday stuff, like cleaning the house(work), tidying up the yard(work), etc. Work is also the stuff you love and want to do, like writing books, articles or music, like drawing or painting, etc - just for the sheer enjoyment of it. For the purpose of this post, I'm going to define "Work" as a job you go to. Or a job you perform in order to pay your bills - love it or hate it, it's what you are doing as your primary source of income.
 

For me, working in Corporate America is like the scene in Pinocchio, where Gepetto and the gang are sucked in to the belly of the whale without actually being eaten. You're alive. You're functioning. You're just at the mercy of the great beast - hoping against hope that you can somehow stay afloat and maintain your existence.

 

 

 

OK, so I'm being a bit dramatic, but you get my point. As a Corporate employee, you are something of a nameless, faceless being. There are the treasured few who (like cream) rise to the top and are recognized. This usually occurs with the help of a large, sharp utensil placed strategically in the back of an unsuspecting fellow employee. Or with a pair of pursed lips suctioned to the bottom of one's supervisor. It's a toss up or a combination of the two, really.
 

Corporations love to have "Team Building Events". Days that are set aside to have "fun" and to "get to know each other". You know, as "real people". Pal around with your fellow coworker and let your hair down. Suuurre. If any of you have ever attended one of these events, then you need no explanation. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it is the most cringe inducing, uncomfortable, unnatural 8 hours (or more) that you can imagine.
 

These events start off with some light hearted "get-to-know-you" exercises: Create a caption for this non-offense cartoon, provide a name for the team in which you are placed, describe your job using a song title/movie/character. Those types of things. The truth is not needed here.  Actually, the truth need not apply. For example, I highly doubt that someone who wrote "Psycho Killer" as their applicable song title would be looked upon with mirth and delight. Well, probably with mirth and delight once the men in white uniforms came with their special little jacket, but certainly not at first.
 

After the faux get-to-know-you session, you are then broken off in to groups to perform some sort of task/game that is meant to bring you all together and to learn to work cohesively. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't we learn this in Pre-K and Kindergarten? I learned not to take Susie's paste, and Susie learned not to smear me with finger paint when I was 4, MAYBE 5. I'm not really sure I need to learn this again, but OK - I'll play along, pretending I have a choice.
 

You set out on your exercise, and leaders immediately emerge. No. I take that back. Leaders immediately fight to be the leader. So much for cohesiveness and team building. Someone ALWAYS feels the need to be that team champion; as if winning the "Pictionary" contest is going to guarantee them a spot on the Executive Committee. You always have to be mindful: We are in the "wild", and dangers lurk about you everywhere. People will throw you in front of a bus if they feel that it makes them look good in front of a boss or, better yet, THE Boss. Tread lightly and keep your wits about you. That's my suggestion.
 

After the "fun" exercise is complete, you typically regroup for a lunch and learn. A time to discuss what you gathered from your expedition, what you feel you could have done better, and how this applies to your daily activities at work. AH HA! See where they get you? "Off-Site Team Building Event", my foot! It's nothing but a glorified meeting to determine how they can get more out of you, without giving you anything more. Best yet...they want YOU to determine what more YOU should take on.
 

To break it down in to non-work related terms, let's put this same scenario together, but using two friends in place of work. A friend sets up a fun day to relax, have some down-time, and spend some quality hours together. You go - as you really can't say no to your friend - but you are a bit leery, wondering why everything seems so regimented if it's supposed to be easy going. You go bowling, play pool or take a cooking class. After the day is done, your friend then asks what you learned from the day, and how YOU can be a better friend to him/her. Adding the caveat, "oh, and by the way, can you pay the bill,' cause that's what really good friends do."
 

My point being with this entire post is this: I wish the crap would just be cut, already. I don't need to be friends with every person I work with. I don't need team building exercises to lure me into looking deeper into my inner work habits. If you need me to do something I'm not doing, tell me. If you want to know how I'm feeling about my current position in the Department or Company, ask me. The phony baloney hullabaloo of "we're all in this together" is, frankly, insulting. While I might pride myself on useless knowledge, my prowess at Jeopardy is not going to get me any further in the Organization because I won it at a Team Building Event. Stop the BS and just call it as it is.
 

If blowing smoke was an Olympic sport, I definitely know a few people who could medal.
 

 

 

Geesh. Seriously.

 

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

Attack of the Brain

When Anxiety Attacks

The last week has not been very productive, or fun.  I'll put it plainly.  Starting last Saturday, I began to feel extremely fatigued.  Not just a little tired, but full-out doggone wiped out.  After a full night of writing on Friday,  I slept from 6am Saturday morning until 6am Sunday morning.  Getting up only to feed my ever patient cat and to take some medicine.  Once those chores were hurried through,  I headed back to bed as quickly as possible.  I had previously taken Monday off from work, with the hopes of writing a short fiction story that has been bubbling inside my brain for a few weeks.  No dice.  I slept all day Monday as well.  I should have seen something coming.  I should have known something was "off".

Tuesday and Wednesday I was back to work, tired but capable.  Thursday morning "it" hit. 
 

"It" being an anxiety attack.   My anxiety attacks are sleep induced.  Which does not mean what it sounds like.  When I  read about  sleep induced anxiety attacks, it typically relates to a persons lack of ability to fall asleep - due to worry, stress, and the like. Maybe a man or woman not being able to fall asleep or not feeling refreshed after getting sleep.  Yeah.  Not my issue at all.

 My sleep induced anxiety is brought on by sleep.  I'm reading that sentence and I'm shaking my head.  I'm assuming you might be as well.

I've always had crazy sleep habits.  Some of these were documented in a previous post but the older I'm getting, the more impact these nighttime episodes are have a negative effect on me. 

I'm not scared to fall asleep.  I'm not scared to dream.  I'm not scared of what might happen. My mindset prior to falling asleep is not one of fear in anyway.  Unfortunately, when a person, such as me, experiences these types of anxiety attacks, it really doesn't matter what kind of an attitude you go to bed with.  Your attitude, or at least your conscience attitude, plays no part in the play.  The attack is going to happen.  Even if you were Cinderella on the previous night.

 

In my case, I started experiencing sleep anxiety attacks in January 2012.  January 30th, 2012 at 4am to be exact. I woke up with an intense -almost painful- feeling of fear.  Hand-shaking, heart-palpitating terror.  A feeling I had never felt before.  I knew I wasn't having a heart attack, but I had no idea what was going on.  Maybe I had a bad taco?

 

 

 

I actually attempted to go to work that day, and made it  until 11:00am before I felt like I needed to bust out of the third story window to get the hell out of there.  I shook.  I shivered.  I cried.  I paced.  Nothing could take away the feeling:  I needed to GO.  I needed to be GONE.  What I needed was to leave ME, and there was no way to do that.  I sobbed on the phone to my mother. To my brother.  Both offering their help and saying to come visit them.  I couldn't.  It was an itch that couldn't be scratched inside my very brain.  All I knew was that I was in skin that I couldn't get out of.  Skin that needed to be shed IMMEDIATELY.  And there wasn't the slightest thing I could do about it.

 

It took two full days to come down from that episode. Two full days of feeling trapped and scared, and then tired and scared.  That's a long time for an anxiety attack, I have since learned.

 

After doing some research and seeing a doctor, I determined what my problem was (anxiety) and there was no disguising why it was occurring at that time. 

 

The entire year of 2011 was the worst year of my family's life.  My mother was hospitalized several times, including once with a diagnosis of kidney cancer and another time with a broken hip - to name only the highlights.  My dog had a seizure.  My brother left his job.   I had acute appendicitis that needed to be operated on immediately.  The list goes on and on.  I clearly understood why I was having the anxiety attacks NOW.  I simply didn't have time for them in 2011!

 

I was put on a medication that was intended to stave off the anxiety attacks.  The problem was, this medication was made by the Devil himself.  This  medication was made in Hades, manufactured in Tartarus, and delivered by Satan.  Think I'm being over-dramatic?  Here's an example of the effects of this "medication":

• I once forgot to take the medication during my normal lunch hour.  I remembered and took it at dinner, approximately 5-6 hours later.  I woke up with sleep paralysis - which means I couldn't move, scream or talk - knowing there were snakes and animals in my house.  Doors were opening and slamming.  Snakes were slithering on my bed and around my head.  Tigers were in the living room.  I tried desperately to reach my phone, but even when I could move - the phone had no numbers on which to dial.  It took HOURS for me to be able to call anyone.  My father came over and I literally kept poking him, because I didn't think he was real.  I didn't think he existed.  This is what this drug did to me, after delaying the dose by 5 hours.  This is not written on the warning label, this is not listed as a side effect.

 

I wish I could say that that was the only time this happened.  Unfortunately, it wasn't.  If you didn't take it at the exact time every day, the window got shorter and shorter.  I remember speaking on the phone one day to a friend, after taking the dose 2 hours late, and telling her the cliffs outside my house were moving and you could already see monstrous faces in them.  Now, like all medications, one person's miracle drug is another person's hemlock.  I posted my experiences on various forums.  Some people experienced slightly similar episodes, while others praised it's healing affects.  Tomayto. Tomahto.  That's what I say.

 

 

 

 

I'm now on a lighter, less aggressive anti-anxiety medication that does not have nearly the side effects as the previous.  I've had some reaction with the sleep paralysis, but never to the extreme of the other.  Unfortunately, with any type of medical or psychological issue, it just takes time. 

 

Back to this week, where I had my last anxiety attack.  I honestly cannot say why it occurred.  I have had things on my mind, as we all do.  I have had annoyances, as we all do.  Nothing amazingly out of the ordinary has occurred - other than this incredible fatigue.  My goal moving forward is to start tracking my fatigue levels and sleep patterns vs. my anxiety attacks to see if there's any pattern.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?

 

After each anxiety attack, the next day I am depressed and withdrawn.  Sad and weepy.  Which is today.

 

What I can say, what I can offer is this:  When panic attacks, hold it.  Recognize it.  Realize it's not "you".  Once you can get a grasp on the fact that you are going through something, and you are going to be OK, you just have to go along for the ride.  I honestly believe recognizing where your mindset is, is 3/4th the battle.  If you know you're depressed, you are already ahead of the game, because you are aware that something is wrong. If you fight the anxiety, you allow it to win.  Float with it. Suffer through it.  Always knowing you are "you".

 

When anxiety attacks.  Let it.  You'll win the war in the end. 

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo

The Art of Bending

Auspicious Beginnings and Unexpected Endings

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking about beginnings and endings.  More specifically, those unanticipated or unexpected  beginnings and endings.  We'd be nowhere in life without a beginning, and we'd get nowhere in life without an ending.

For some background, I do wonder if my constant pondering has to do with my own personal beginning:

• My Beginning:  I was born June 5, 19xx (a lady never tells, so... 1975) in suburban New Jersey.  My start was ordinary and without incident.  My Mom and Dad never had sex, clearly.  Like all other parents, they were greeted by the stork with a bouncing baby girl.  My father, who has always been known for his mastery of the English language - with a special concentration in spelling - was somehow the one in charge of placing my name on the birth certificate.  With that said, he spelled it exactly how he thought it should be spelled.  Therefore I became Karie.  'Cause that's how it's sounds, don't cha know? Not Carrie or Carey or even Kari.  Karie.   My mother, still in shock from the stork visit I imagine, just shook her head and wondered how she was lucky enough to have married such a wordsmith.

In essence, my life started out by my Dad's lack of spelling ability.   I've come to terms with the fact that I will never own a magnet or key chain with my name on it.

 

The thing about some of the most memorable beginnings are the fact that they sneak up on you.  The first time you met your best friend, you didn't know that you'd be best friends.  Sure, you might have felt an instant connection, but take a step back.  You didn't even know THAT person existed until the moment you met each other.  The moment you meet someone is a chance for your entire existence to be altered forever.  In a small way, EVERY meeting with EVERY person is just that.  Like the Butterfly Effect, even the smallest motion, the smallest change, can result in a difference down the line.  Beginnings are everywhere. Beginnings happen every instant.  When I look at life from this angle, it makes me feel hopeful and excited.  I feel a lust for life and a zest for experiencing things.  Everything.  I feel that I can make a difference and that my being really matters to the universe.

 

 

The thing about some of the most memorable endings are the fact that they sneak up on you.   If you've ever lost a loved one unexpectedly, you didn't know that the last time you spoke with them, the last time you grabbed a drink or dinner together, the last time you chatted on the phone or texted, would be IT.   You didn't know that the last words you would speak to them would be meaningless:  about a hockey game, or a new blouse; or full of significance:  telling them you love them, or having a blow-out fight.  The last time you spoke to them was just about realness and naivete - that we all will go on forever.   Endings are everywhere.  Endings happen every instant.  Without endings, there could be no beginnings.  When I look at life from this angle, it makes me reminisce and long for days-gone-by.  It makes me want to go back and appreciate the moments more.  I feel I've wasted an opportunity by taking it all for granted.

 

There's also the flipside to beginnings and endings.  You could walk in to the doctor's office feeling OK, "just in for a regular check-up, thank-you-very-much", and find out that you've got something.  The beginning of a long road of question marks, fear, pain, heartache, and anxiety.  You could also walk in to a doctor's office and find out that you've been cured of something.  The ending of a road of question marks, fear, pain, heartache, and anxiety. I don't think it's an accident that when you combine the words beginning and ending, you come up with "bending". 

 

 

The older I get, the more I realize that we get nowhere in life without "bending".  Life is going to happen.  Beginnings are going to happen.  Some for the good and some for the bad.  Echo that for endings.  It's how we deal with them.  How we take hold of what we have in front of us right now that makes the middle parts of each teeny journey and experience enjoyable and worth it.

 

Like any good book, my life began with an auspicious beginning, the journey has been interesting, and I hope to start adapting to how I handle some of the unexpected endings.

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo