Friday, May 10, 2013

Advil Affair


What Not to Expect When You're Not Expecting


Foot, meet Mouth. Mouth, say hello to Foot. A more charming encounter has never existed. Those moments when your mouth says something, and your foot is already tingling with glee, knowing it is about to get stuck in your chow hole. We've all had those moments. Where an intention was well meaning, but the thought not so well thought out, or words so not well chosen. We've all listened to those ill-fated words leave our mouths, and...just...wait...

Wait for the inevitable. Wait for someone to call you out on your completly assinine statement, or wait - worse yet - for everyone to ignore it. When it's ignored, it's just this "thing" hanging out there. This blob of ickness that everyone knows exists but doesn't comment on. If you can't find the elephant in the room, that's for good reason. You ARE the elephant in the room.

To save myself the embarrassment of discussing my slips of the tongue, I elect to discuss a specific episode where I was the victim. A faux pas so heinous, that I have yet to recover. That's where a blog comes in. It's cheaper then therapy and allows me to confront the situation without, you know...confronting the situation.

There are certain things you just don't say to a woman. There are certain things you just don't assume about a woman. There are certain things you JUST DON'T DO.

  • Crime Location: Target Retail Store, Pharmacy Department
  • Culpirt: Pharmacy Technician aka Satan's Spawn, Demon from Hell and Lucifer's # 1 Lady
  • Victim: Butterfly.  Lady, Butterfly



Scene:
Having a headache all day, and anticipating a headache to last throughout the night, I headed to my local Target Store to find a pain/sleep aid. Being partial to Tylenol PM for both it's healing effects as well as the coma-inducing state it provides, I was disappointed to see everything Tylenol was off the shelves. Leaving only Advil PM. The cause of this whole disaster.

I gingerly picked up the Advil PM package, feeling like it was the poor man's subsititue for the real thing - the Skeet Ulrich to Johnny Depp, if you will - and proceeded to the Pharmacy counter. Where I met Satan's Spawn.

You see, I'm not a religious person in the traditional sense, but I do know enough to understand that the Devil is never going to approach you with a pitchfork and a pointy tail. That would be too obvious. No no. The devil is going to approach you in human form. More specifically, the human form of a Pharmacy Tech at Target.

This "unassuming" lady asked if she could help me. I should have known right there that she was up to no good. Not picking up on the forked tongue cues, I innocently asked if they had any Tylenol PM , holding up the Advil PM box. She answered that they were completley out of Tylenol. I shrugged, thanked her, put the Advil back on the shelf, and started to walk away. She then offered this gem of goodness. These words of butter: "You know, you really shouldn't be taking Advil if you're pregnant anyway."

What? Say who now?

I will preface my thoughts with this: I am not pregnant. I was not pregnant.

I was guilty of wearing an unflattering shirt. The punishment certainly does not fit the crime, however. OK. I should have known better than to wear an Empire Waisted Shirt. Yes, I should have known that a short, semi-chubby lady needs to dress for her body type. I was a fashion disaster. Lesson learned.

But never, under any circumstances, do you ever, ever, EVER, assume a woman is pregnant. I could almost give Satan's Spawn some leeway if she was a twenty-somethinger - doing a job, but still young. No. This "lady" was a woman. She was an adult. She should know better.

After her comment, I kind of stood there. Gap mouthed. Not quite believing what I had heard. If I was watching this scene from outer space, I would assume that the lady with the pitchfork so neatly hidden behind the counter, was trying to capture the pudgy girl in a bad shirt. I just stood there. Blinking. And then I actually thanked her.

I THANKED HER.

I thanked the Pharmacy Tech for telling me that my non-pregnant self should not be taking Advil. I thanked her for looking out for me and my non-existent prodigy. Holy hell. I thanked her.

As I walked myself out of the pharmacy portion of Target and waddled myself to the ice cream and pickle aisles, I was thinking to myself " Who says that?

I have a steadfast rule. Unless a woman tells you, PERSONALLY, that she is with child, then she is not pregnant. I don't care if her water breaks and she's begging you to call her obstetrician.  Call 911, but,  if she hasn't confirmed it, she just had a very big lunch.

A few words to the wise concerning assumptions:
  • Never assume someone has children because they are of a certain age
  • Never assume a woman is married because she has a child
  • Never assume a woman is married at all
  • Never assume a woman even wants to get married or have children
       
I've relived this horrific event in the hopes that it might save someone from the pain I was forced to suffer. It haunts me to this day. And it's been, what? Two months?! I hope this post serves all of you out there to know what not to expect when you're not expecting.

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo



10 comments:

  1. I love Lady ButterflyMay 11, 2013 at 11:42 AM

    OMG! So true, so true!. I once asked a woman in line at the supermarket when she was due only to look down too late to see the baby in the cart. Never again!

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    1. Haha! Oh no! Oh well, we've all stepped in at some point in our lives, right? Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield. Thanks for your funny comment. PS. Love your name ;)

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  2. That really is horrible!! And, for the record, I get mistaken for being pregnant all the time, and I'm a goddamn guy.....is that better??.....or worse??

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    1. Haha, Terry! Love it! I guess we both have to stay away from the Empire Waisted shirts ;) Thanks for cracking me up as usual!

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  3. LOL..that happened to me twice! Once while wearing the same infamous style shirt you spoke of and the second time with my 6 month old in my arms. I had the same shocked, stark reaction as you but I did end up telling them that I wasn’t pregnant. You really still look pregnant after giving birth….apparently I did even six months out :P

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    1. Oh No!! LOL. It seems we're all either victims of this cruel attack or perpetrators! Either way, those shirts should come with a warning label. Not cute! Thanks so much for your comment and making me laugh :)

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  4. That was freaking funny. I'm sorry but the fact that you thanked her just cracked me up.

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    1. Right, Ben?! I'm usually not one to be at a loss for words, but I was so taken aback that I lost my thoughts. I reverted back to the polite lady my Mom raised! Holy Hell! Thanks so much for your comment!

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  5. Truth be told, when this happens to me, I turn it around and make sure I get some pleasure in shaming the person assuming this. I know, it's REALLY immature, but sometimes you HAVE to shame those that assume anything, in order for them to learn to be more aware of their ignorance. (You know the old saying about the word 'assume'--it makes an ass of you and me)
    The ONLY time I didn't take issue with someone's presumption of my so-called pregnancy, (I wasn't and never have been) was when I worked at a casino, and a guest tipped me a $100 bill just for cleaning up some broken glass. :D
    He said, gesturing to my Buddha-belly: "Buy yourself somethin' nice for you and the little one."
    True story. :D

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    1. Haha. Honestly, I think if it were to happen to me again, I'd probably react the same way. I'd be so shocked, I don't think I'd be able to provide any sort of coherent feedback. Good for you that you can!!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Jenn!

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