Leaving on a Jet Plane

The Pusher, The Snorer, The Incessant Talker

Airplanes. Those aluminum winged vehicles that bring out the "interesting" in people. Those tin cans of transportation that zip us through the air and pack us in like sardines in mustard sauce. Airplanes. A marvel of technology and an anthropological smorgasbord. The perfect setting for my favorite sport: People Watching.

"People Watching" is not a sport, you say. "You haven't People Watched with me", I say. This is no game for the weak of heart. Oh no. This sport takes savvy, patience, craftiness, and most importantly, a keen understanding of the playing field. Plus, if people consider hunting a sport**(see below), then I can consider People Watching a sport.

People Watching must be approached with certain preparations, and with a certain degree of finesse. For example, you can't stare at people. That's rule number one. You have to glance, you have to be casual. You have to be cool, man. Secondly, you must be aware of your surroundings and choose a watching place accordingly. May I suggest the furthest side of the room, with a wall behind you? Or a side row of chairs, if available? A place that can maximize your watching, while minimizing your being watched. Of course, this all depends on room size vs. people ratio. You don't want to take a corner of a large (or small room) if there's 4 people there. Use your judgement to choose your perch that is both ideally located for viewing without looking like "that lurker in the corner". Finally, if you are with a friend, code names are imperative. Code names allow you to speak freely, without referring to "that guy in the striped shirt, plaid shorts and neon sneakers." That would be too obvious. You would simply refer to this gentleman as "Wardrobe Challenged Man" or "WCM". Code names are key. There's many more rules to the sport, but these will suffice for now.

Being of a certain age and within the corporate world, I've travelled both personally and professionally enough to have at least a Bachelor's Degree in People Watching. Or, as the Universities are now calling the Major: Homo Sapiens Spectes.

Based on this experience, let's catergorize some travellers that I have cataloged, and some I'm sure that you have come across. Here are the Code Names:

The Incessant Talker (aka. Talker Non-Interruptus, I.T.):

This is the person who starts chatting before the cabin doors are closed, and doesn't let up until the cabin doors reopen. Regardless of flight duration, this person can and will talk about any topic under the sun. This individual is not necessarily (and usually not) interesting in the slightest, but feels it necessary to make their voice known. If you are the unfortunate individual sitting next to this Chatty Cathy doll, I suggest a slick manuever to insert headphones into your ear. If you are more skilled, I suggest reaching into your carry-on and retrieving a book. This book manuever requires skill, however, because the I.T. can still carry on talking. You need to convey a message of "thanks but no thanks" in the opening of that book. When in doubt, use headphones as a decoy.

The Snoring Man (aka. Sleepus Non-Interruptus, S.M):

While ladies can obviously snore with the best of them, I have only witnessed men exhibit this unique travel behavior. This dude can sleep. The antithesis of the I.T., the S.M sleeps upon finding his seat, and wakes upon arriving at the gate. The only sign that this traveller is alive and well is the snarling, gurgling, guttural noises that emit from his nose/throat at timed intervals. Blissfully unaware of the disruption and disdain he is causing, you are an unlucky traveller if you are seated 2-3 rows in front or behind him. God Bless the poor soul who is seated next to him. I can only suggest several loud and enthusiastic coughs to perhaps disrupt this sleep assault, for a short time at least. I won't suggest a swift elbow to the ribs. You have to do what you have to do, however. If asked, you never heard of this blog.

Napoleon Man (aka. Pusher Man, Little Man, N. M):

You know this one. This is the dude that is shorter than average in height and has a point to prove. His presence is most clearly felt at the time of departure and arrival. His sole purpose being: I'm here and I'm bouldering through this line come hell or high water. Elderly? Beware! Lines? I see you not! "Now Boarding Rows"? Pishaw... That serves no purpose in my world! N.M. cares not for the rules of the travel world, because the world has dealt him a dirty hand. He's out for blood. And if that blood comes from your feet being run over by his carry-on, so be it.

The Sly Dog (aka Canine Sneakyus, S.D.):

This traveller is one who knowingly parks his or her fanny in a seat that is very clearly not theirs. I'm not speaking of the person who obviouisly made an innocent mistake. This is the woman/man who takes the window or aisle seat in a row, with the hopes that the person who actually bought that seat doesn't show. Or that the person who has that seat is too much of a wimp to ask them to move. This is a very specific individual and a very specific situation. For example: Your ticket says seat 8A. There are three seats to a row. The person sitting in seat 8A, has ticket 8B. Even if they misunderstood the little diagram above each seat, detailing which seat is the window and which is the aisle, seat 8B will always be the middle. S.D. doesn't care. S/he figures they will give it a shot. Instead of sucking it up and hoping they can move once all passengers board, they take your seat and feign ignorance. Then argue with you that the window/aisle seat is indeed theirs. This Sly Dog is an a**hole. I suggest holding your ground and occupying the arm rest, just to piss s/he off.

Honorable mention goes to: Back of the Seat Kicker. The only reason this didn't make the main list is because you can't fight it. You can turn your personal fan to high and aim it at them, you can sigh, you can turn in disgust. This is usually a child, however, and you ain't gonna do anything about it. Back-of-the-Seat-Kicker's parent's should. But there's really nothing YOU can do.

I think I could write an entire blog on people watching. Air Travel is a unique experience that brings about it's own unique habitat. Like Jane Goodall, I'm researching man and travel in the hopes of better understanding the behavior of The Pusher, The Snorer, and The Incessant Talker.

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

**Note From Above: I personally don't consider hunting a sport. I consider hunting an activity that grants men the ability to display their machismo attitude while playing with guns and grants them the much needed relief of feeling superior to other living things. Hunting certainly can bring about a deep connection with nature for some, survivalist in even fewer. This post in not about hunting, so let's move on.