I Gotta Be Me. But Who the Heck IS That?
In April 2006, I had been out of work for probably 7 months, and had finally received a call to interview with a large Corporation. Well, not actually interview per se, more like interview for the opportunity to be interviewed. I consider it the interview equivalent to annual fees being placed on some credit cards: You have the luxury of paying a yearly fee in order to spend money you are already spending. And then pay for it. In this case, I had the luxury of being pre-screened twice: First your resume had to make it past the software that weeds out the "unwanteds", and then you had to make it to the "annual-fee portion" of the interview process.
This process was inauspiciously titled a "Human Resources Behavioral Interview". My mind immediately went to Björk's "Human Behavior" video, where a giant stuffed bear was seen tromping through the woods while being hunted, and "Goldilocks" sang in an Icelandic lilt at what was (I assume) the Bear's home. This video pretty much summed up my interview itself, actually. It was completely nonsensical. It was a series of hypothetical and unanswerable "what if" questions that were meant to determine whether you were a) of Sound Mind, b ) had Good Reasoning Skills, c) could Multi-Task and d) were not a Bear. I failed on all 4 counts.
This leads me to my thoughts of late. Human Behavior. Humans: Who exactly am I? Am I the person who works in Corporate America and shops the Business Casual section - working towards a career promotion? Am I the person who writes a blog and thinks my thoughts and writes my woes? A reader, a writer, an incessant note-taker? Am I the sister who annoys her brother? The daughter who is independent? The friend who is semi-elusive? Am I all of these things? None of things? If I were to take a non-career related Behavioral Test, would it show that I'm not suited to, well....being Me?
I know, logically, that I am all of these things and more. But have you ever thought about who you ARE, in a deeper way? What is your driving force? What is the soul to your being? What is your legacy? What do you want to be thought of, not only remembered as when you die, but what do you want to be thought of NOW? Who would YOU say you are, definitively? What would you like others to say you are, certainly?
I remember taking Sociology in High School and College and learning about the "Looking Glass Concept" - the idea that you are shaped by what you think others think about you. While the study was initially conducted with children and teenagers, others in the genre have also studied the effects on a wider scale. And with older individuals. I don't think it matters who you are. I think you care what people think of you, always to some extent. Everyone conforms to a certain degree. Everyone gives an answer they think someone wants to hear. Everyone dresses up a little bit more for a wedding or a funeral. People prepare a little bit more for something they really, really want. And that's human behavior. Ain't nothing remotely wrong with that. My reevaluation comes in when you are only doing things that you are expected to do, and can't even remember what it is you wanted to do in the first place.
This goes with my entire journey of self-discovery. I need to develop something that helps me believe that I am HERE and that I am making a positive difference. Even if in a small, almost insignificant way. But a difference that is tangible.
For myself, working in Corporate America has been a double edged sword. I have been able to buy a home, buy a new car, not worry about bills, and be very self-sufficient, all by myself, on a single-income. The downside comes in with the "clinging-on-to-the-bottom-rung" of middle management and feeling less than useless. Feeling despondent and pointless.
Since I won't (and don't need to) be quitting my job anytime soon, I am inching towards fulfilling my (hopeful) destiny in a few different ways. Firstly, I've obviously started blogging. Secondly, I have decided to do one good deed a day. It can be big or small, acknowledged or anonymous. Just SOMETHING. Thirdly, I am working very hard to break out of my hermit shell - by visiting people more often and calling friends that I have let go. This third one is the toughest one, by far. Finally, I'm trying to learn that it's OK to be me, as long as you're OK BEING you. I can be an animal loving, non-bug killing woman of the forest, and also a bitch behind the wheels with a pirate mouth at asshole drivers. As long as I'm OK with that, then I'm good.
Can you reinvent yourself at 38? Can people really change? My top answer is: No. But my second answer is: Only if you really, really want to. So, I gotta be Me. But who the heck IS that?!
With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo
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