Back in the Summer of '85

Nature Walk From Hell

I've already written a bit about some family vacations in a previous post - "Vacation Lampooned" - if you haven't already had the opportunity to peruse this piece of utter goodness, I highly suggest you do.  "Vacation Lampooned" is not required reading for today's class, however.

Seeing as we have just ended a New Jersey Official Heat Wave - defined in NJ as 3 or more consecutive days of temperatures at or above 90°F - I figured it was a good time to revisit a specific Summer Vacation Trip taken by my family when I was a kid.  The term vacation, for the purposes of this blog, can be understood as follows:

• Long ass car rides to an East Cost destination, seemingly picked at random, for the purpose of "enjoying" oneself.  Sleeping arrangements for these vacations were either in (a) Sub-par Motels Rooms that I still blame for my skin condition,  or (b) A camper that slept 4. 

• Vacations also took place primarily in a car.  Meaning that there was no "end" destination.  You drove in the car to the state in which you were visiting, and you stayed in the car until you returned back to NJ.  The Motel/RV really was for sleeping purposes only.  See Also:  Family Trip to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.  I am part of the only family that I am aware of that would drive in to see the Rockefeller Tree, yet never actually LEAVE the car to SEE the tree.  We just kept turning right to catch glimpses at every break in the block.

The latest 2013 heat wave has brought back a flood of memories from my childhood.  My family and I are usually in fits of tearful laughter during the Holiday's discussing some of the less-than-finer points of our family vacations over the years.  I'll preface this with a statement that is obvious.  I love my childhood.  I adore these memories.  They were sometimes awful to go through, but DAMN do they bring back the biggest laughs and smiles as an adult.

Death March 1985.  Location:  Virginia Beach, VA - (Although we are still uncertain it wasn't a vortex of some sort).    It started out innocently enough.  A family of four dragged by their mother to experience yet another nature walk on the hottest day of the year on Earth.  To see more birds, more plants, more exotic wonders of the Mid-Atlantic State of Virginia.  My brother and I were still too young to protest.  I was 10 and he was just turning 13.  We were at the mercy of our parental units.  We entered the Wildlife Area and were faced with a map, showing all of the different trails that were available to hike, along with the length and difficulty level.  We decided on a more gentle to mild one - meaning there were no hills to climb, but the walk was pretty long.  Long.  Long?  Long?!  What felt like 9 hours in to the trail, with no water left, we were pretty much sure that we would only be found if some actual nature survivalist discovered our skeletons.  We were certain that we could be identified by our dental records, but were considering constructing our last will and testament out of rock and broken sticks. 

After we came across a snake that stretched the entire width of the hiking trail (probably poisonous and probably aggressive), we decided to send Dad out in front to see how much further was actually left in this trek.  If it was much further, we were going to have to fashion a flag out of my brothers French Foreign Legion hat and knee socks and my purple tassel shirt that read "Sassy".  Thinking of it today, I'm not quite sure who would have responded to that type of flag, other than the "What Not To Wear" crew.

Regardless, we were tired, hot, thirsty and hungry.  This was not the gentle to mild hike we had first set out on when we were young.  Oh no.  We had learned quite a few things along this seemingly man made path.  One of which was that the man who made this path was obviously a lunatic.  Another revelation was never to listen to Mom's suggestions of a nature hike ever again.  And finally, the most important lesson of all was:  Don't send Dad out as a scout, 'cause he ain't coming back anytime soon.

As I mentioned, we were tired, thirsty and hot.  Dad went onward to find a path out of this Tarzan-like Jungle to save his family. He was to go forth in to the wilderness armed only with his wits and come back with Intel.  So we waited.  And waited.  And waited. When it appeared that the Earth had swallowed him whole and we were going to have to not only get out of this by our own means, but also find the local Police Department to report a missing person.  We ventured on, a family -1. 


We walked and walked in oppressive heat.  The only thing that remained unharmed out of the 3 remaining family members, was my brother's neck, as he was still wearing the very stylish Foreign Legion Hat.  My mother and I were just hot ass messes, stumbling around and scanning the ground for reptiles.  And/or gates to hell.

We finally found my father walking towards us, and he told us that the welcome station was only a little ways up.  Based on the map and the hike we chose, we made a very large semi-circle around the Welcome Station.  We were finally nearing our journey's end!  As I recall, the 4 of us broke out in to tears at that moment, knowing circling helicopters and cadaver dogs were not going to be necessary. We didn't think to question at that time why my father seemed so refreshed and cool.

As we neared the Welcome Station, the makeshift path turned into a wooden-planked walkway with railings.  We could see civilization in the near distance.  We opened glass doors and felt an immediate "whoosh" of air-conditioned loveliness envelope us.  After any nature walk at this Wildlife Conservancy, you are escorted into a small room with carpeted theatre seating, to watch a history of Virginia Wildlife, and how the Conservancy was formed.  The video took maybe 25 minutes.  In our heat-exhausted state, my mother sent my still-hatted brother out to the main desk to ask if they could please replay the video. 

I will always love my brother for having that video replayed.  Even in his fancy hat and knee high socks, he did the family good....Just so we could sit, relax and be cool.  I'm sure they thought that our family was a bunch of wackos, but they had no idea what we had just overcome on our Nature Walk From Hell.

With Love
Lady Butterfly
xoxo