$#!* My Dad Says

My dear ol' Dad's Birthday recently passed with little fanfare and even less hoopla.  To celebrate his special day, I dedicate this blog to all things "Dad".  Specifically... (To borrow the title of a well-known book and cancelled TV show) ...

$#!* My Dad Says 

Dear Pops is a poet in his own right.  He has a certain way with words.  Note, I didn't say the right way with words, just a certain way with them.  They are usually well intentioned, but are always convoluted and head-scratching.  A modern day Confucius, I'd like to share with you some of my Father's pearls of wisdom throughout the years:

***

"It'll Lubricate Your Joints" - As a child growing up in the 1980's, my family was by no means wealthy.  We always had clothes to wear, we never worried about where we were going to sleep, and we always had something to digest.  Herein lies the rub.   

The "food" my father purchased was classified as food only in the vaguest of terms.  It was food-like.  It was no longer moving.  It resembled something similar to meat, without having to follow all of those pesky USDA grades.  In essence, it was cheap. 

The "steak" that my Dad would make (for he was the primary "chef" in the household) was made primarily of bone, fat, gristle and a thin-strip of pinkish meat.  Try as you might, no amount of steak sauce was going to cover up the taste of this travesty.  Cows all over the land hung their head in shame to be labeled in the same category as this substance.   

As the plates were placed before my brother and me, my face would immediately turn in to a grimace and my hands would silently pat my lap to summon the family dog.  I'd cut along the narrow path between the bone, fat, and gristle to slice off the bit of meat that remained. This exercise took precision and readied me for a lucrative career in micro-surgery, should I have chosen to pursue it.   

Pushing the pile of gook to the side, I'd chew my millimeter of "meat" and declare my meal completed.  My father, spendthrift and gourmand that he is, would declare, "Finish what's on your plate or no Muppet Show for you."  To which I would reply, "I have!  The rest is fat." 

To which the famous line was uttered, "Eat the fat.  It'll lubricate your joints!" 

'Cause every 8 year old girl is interested in keeping her joints lubricated. 

 



"Just Try One Bite..." - In staying with the dining theme, my Father was also always big on trying new "delicacies".  I'm not speaking of unique dishes from around the world, or exciting spices that aren't used in typical American fare.  I'm speaking more along the lines of Gross-Out Food.  Such as, cow tongue, pigs knuckles, some sort of brain, pickled whatever's, etc. 

No special meals were cooked in my Parent's house.  It also wasn't a democracy.  For instance, if you didn't like what was cooked, there was no option to say I'm not eating that.  Oh no.  You'll eat what is placed in front of you.  The motto was "Take what I give you and eat what I serve you."  This included cow tongue.

The slab of blech was staring at you from your plate.  The mere thought of what it was, bringing up thoughts that shouldn't be thought of during a dining experience.  Thank God for my Mom.  After awhile she would invariably say, "James.  The kids do not have to eat this."  To which he would ultimately respond, "Just try one bite..."

'Cause every 8 year old really wants to take "just one bite" of another beings tongue. 

 

***



"Pipe Down Over There" - My family vacations were usually spent in a car, hauling our trailer to whichever destination my Mom chose.  We had a blast and looking back it was the most fun I ever had.  The stories of my vacations have been well documented in this blog, but there are oh so many more stories to tell.

For the earlier parts of our camping trips, we had a Pop-Up Tent Trailer.  One that flattened down like a pancake, but would rise up with a crank and branch out on opposite ends, to create sleeping spaces. 

Now my mind is a little hazy with this one, regarding the timing of events, however my brother and I must have been laughing at one end of the trailer, with my mom sitting in the middle dining area.  I know my father was stationed at the other end of the trailer, trying to sleep.  I suppose we were having way too much fun and giggling over something inevitably childish and silly. Being as we were children and silly.  Well, the noise just got too much to handle for the old man, and he bellows from the depths of his rounded belly, "Pipe Down Over There!"  My brother and I just about peed in our pants.

'Cause every 8 and 11 year old are told to "pipe down" in 1983.

 

"Goddamn Son of BLEEP Rocks!" - My parents have lived in their house for over 40 years.  It's a beautiful property with a pond, a pool and a large front and backyard.  Every year for as long as I can remember, they have grown a vegetable garden.  And for at least the last 10 years, my Dad and I have decorated their house for various Holidays with blow-up figures or lawn ornaments that stick in to the ground.

Every year, for as long as I can remember, my father has been swearing at the Earth that stands beneath his feet; swearing up a storm of profanities my innocent ears should not bear witness to.  He is confounded.  Truly and utterly befuddled how there are any rocks left on his property.  After years of turning over gardens and placing decorations in generally the same spot, he is still stymied by the rock, stone or boulder.

As I stand outside in the bitter cold, untangling nylon ropes that are to attach into hooks twisted into the ground, my father begins his rant.  As Winnie the Pooh or the 6 foot Polar Bear begin to inflate, so does my Dad's annoyance at his godforsaken land.

"Godamn Son of $#!* Rocks", he explodes.  "[Expletive Deleted]", he swears. "[Expletive Deleted]", he finishes.

'Cause every adult woman loves to see her Pop struggling to put up kiddie Christmas decorations, or a giant inflatable turkey while cursing like a sailor.  Ahh, the Holidays.

***

 

"You're Not THAT Fat" - To emphasize the point that my Father is unique in the words that he chooses, or when he chooses them, I offer you this tidbit of goodness. 

A few years ago, I was chitchatting with my Dad about nothing in particular.  I had put on some weight, to be honest, and wasn't feeling especially pretty.  Now, I should have known better than to go to my Dad for a pep talk about my appearance insecurities.  This, the man who thinks wearing white tube socks pulled up mid-calf with black sneakers and cargo shorts in the epitome of fashion.  This, the man who thinks wearing a button down shirt with a pirate face logo is being "fancy schmancy".  Yet, I confided in my Father about feeling low and uncomfortable in my skin.

His reply was a heartwarming response of, "You're not THAT fat."

'Cause every woman feels just AMAZING after hearing those words. 

 

***

Now, there are so many more Dad-isms that could be shared:  his constant mispronunciation of words (I dare you to ask him to pronounce "Guru" or "Stigmata"), his complete inability to retell a story or relay a message accurately, his love of making us squirm as children by saying he was eating "smoked butt". 

I can say without any hesitation that I know no other man in the world like my father.  He is a one of kind guy.  A guy I am honored to call My Dad.

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

Halloween: Unearthed

Halloween:  Unearthed

 

 

Halloween is quickly approaching.  The time for kids to don their superhero capes, princess dresses and creepy masks in order to beg for candy from complete strangers.  Sounds totally normal.  I wonder what visitors from another planet would think if they happened to choose October 31 to observe our planet.   Would they leave the Milky Way in a hurry, distressed at all the different humanoid life forms that co-exist on the planet?  Would they consider us intellectually sub-par, since anyone can simply go to the grocery store and BUY candy, without the need for a costume?  Would they think us aggressive, as many of the favorite costumes are those of fighting comic books characters?  I wonder…I wonder…

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1200.  Destination, Earth:  We have entered the galaxy and are currently approaching Earth.  We have spent years studying this specific planet from afar, and have orders to continue our observation, from a closer vantage point.   

Our orders are to teleport to Earth, using a reimaging program that allows us to appear human.  This is a purely sociological and informational gathering journey.  Interaction with the Earthlings should be limited to primarily observing and secondly speaking only when spoken to.  While our crew is familiar with many of the inhabitant’s values, mores and standard daily behavior, we are not equipped to answer specific questions or to carry on conversations as true humans do. 

Our orders are to teleport to New Jersey, United States, as this has proven to have the highest concentration of humans with questionable intelligence.  End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1300.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth:  We have teleported to a suburban town in New Jersey and are safely reimaged in the likeness of humans:  2 adult males and 2 adult females.  Due to Star Fleet regulations, the specific location of our observation cannot be divulged in the Captain’s Log.  We shall herein refer to the town as “Somewhere, New Jersey”.

Shortly after our arrival we witnessed an odd occurrence.  The shorter inhabitants of “Somewhere, New Jersey”, known to humans as “children” or “kids”, were seen exiting their building of education dressed in strange and troubling outerwear.  Some of these children were dressed as if they could take flight, as confirmed by their billowing capes.  It should be noted that we have yet to witness any child actually fly.  Other children had facial coverings on.  These coverings “masked” the child by giving them a completely different face. One without changeable emotions.  Many of these facial coverings were green in color with holes for their eyes, noses and mouth.  These holes were presumably created to assist the child in seeing and breathing, however they did not seem to function correctly – as many children were seen walking in to walls and gasping for air.

Also witnessed were children dressed in black with pointy hats and green tinted skin.  These outfits are remarkably similar to our sister planet, the BroomHildaians.  Captain’s Note:  A summit between our Home Planet and that of the BroomHilidians must be established.  Star Fleet Regulations strictly forbade the BroomHilidians from visiting Earth again, due to the unfortunate incident captured between one BroomHilidian named ‘Witch Hazel’ and a bunny named ‘Bugs’.

 

Besides the dress of these children, a second and even more disturbing event took place.  While exiting the educational building, the children formed a line and marched in a circle around the perimeter of the traffic area.  This seemed to be some sort of parade, witnessed by the older humans and captured on digital photo imaging mechanisms.  The children waved and marched, with seemingly no purpose except to record the process on various sorts of machinery. 

These events have certainly taken the crew by surprise.  We can only assume this is some sort of initiation. We are quite unsure how to proceed and must gather to plot our next course of action.   End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 1800.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth:  After returning to the ship for an emergency meeting, we have returned to Earth.  Cloaked once again in our human forms, we proceed with trepidation into the darkening hours of evening.  The meeting aboard the ship was ripe with emotion; with many feeling we should abandon our journey all together.  The valid point was made that we clearly do not understand the human species as well as we thought, and we could be placing our lives in harm’s way.  In the end, as Captain, I made the decision to move forward with our mission, and to report on our findings, regardless of personal risk.  This log will serve as a witness to all that we have seen, in the event we do not make it back to our Home Planet.

After witnessing the troubling spectacle earlier in the day, we have now moved on to walk the town and to observe further human interaction.  Once again, we are faced with children in disguise, gathered into groups of no fewer than 5-6.  These children are carrying containers of varying shapes, sizes and colors.  Others carry both a container and a glowing neon green stick - which is not unlike the color of our uncloaked skin.  We are once again faced with the fear that these children are aware of our presence and are sending a subtle yet clear message of:  RETREAT!

These groups of humanoid children approach a dwelling, holding out their various containers, while ringing an alert to the dwellings portal.  An adult human opens the door and the children scream words that are unintelligible.  What is picked up clearly is the last word, “……TREAT!”

With that word uttered, we once again hurry back to the ship, as we have obviously been warned to RETREAT, by the seemingly innocent children of Earth. End Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1031. Time 2200.  Destination, New Jersey, United States, Earth: The crew has been understandably frazzled by the day’s events, and has unanimously voted to leave the Milky Way and all things Earth behind.  I have reminded them, once again, of our mission.  We have teleported back to Earth one last time to observe the final hours of an Earth Day.  We will continue to log our journey and the dangers that seem to lurk everywhere.

Our final destination on this ill-fated trip is to a place called “BAR”.  Our English translation device tells us that this is an establishment that serves liquids meant to make Earthlings feel euphoric, before making them feel sick.  The device also provides some common terms related to imbibing of this liquid, the most frequent being “I’m never drinking again.” As with the rest of the day, we are thoroughly confused by the behavior of all things human.

As we enter the “Bar” we are once again greeted with humans in strange outerwear.  The humans are different, however.  These are not children.  These are ADULTS.  The males are dressed in outerwear that is nonsensical:  A Caveman, for instance.  Through our studies we are fully aware that caveman no longer exist, yet these human males are wearing similar clothing.  While the human male’s behavior is very similar to that of the Caveman, his brow is not nearly as pronounced and his hair follicles do not play as much of a role as his early ancestors.  Usually.  Otherwise, the differences are miniscule.

The adult women, on the other hand, seem to have lost their outerwear.  While clutching glasses of this liquid elixir, the women are dressed as if they live in a much warmer climate than they do.  They are also dressed as if they are unaware of their actual outerwear size. Many of the women wear some sort of detachable feline ear, along with a long tail.  Others wear outfits that do not seem to have any theme whatsoever.   It is interesting to see the mating rituals of the human man to the human woman.   Specifically when the elixir begins to take effect.

As we circle the room the human male behind the counter serving the liquid shouts to us that we need to leave unless we are “dressed up”.  We are unsure what this term means and use our translation device to try and decipher.  “Dressed Up”, as identified by the device, “is to alter one’s appearance for attendance at a special event.  To wear fancy outerwear.”  It goes on with a second definition, “To alter one’s appearance to look unlike others.  See Costume.”  We had no idea what “costume” was and as our Earth time was running out, we chose to forgo a further search.  We opted to deactivate our reimaging program and appear in our natural state.  End Captain’s Log.

 

 

Captain’s Log, Star Date 2013.1101. Time 0100.  Destination, Home Planet:  The crew is safely aboard the ship and heading back to our home planet.  Our journey to Earth has been eventful, enlightening and scary.  We are glad to leave this planet and vow never to return.

As the Captain, I would be remiss if I did not log that, upon leaving the “BAR” establishment, we were rewarded with a trophy of some sort.  One that is inscribed with “Best Halloween Costume Winner, October 31, 2013.”  Again, this is an enigma to us.  One that we are not certain we shall ever unravel. Final Entry.  End Captain’s Log.

 

Happy Halloween my ghouls and ghosts!!

 

With Love

Lady Butterly

xoxo

 

Wedded Bless. I said BLISS, you IDIOT!

Wedded Bless.  I said BLISS, you IDIOT

 

 

I'd like to start off this post with a confession:

The longest relationship I have is with my childhood stuffed bear. Aptly named Bear Bear. Poor Bear Bear suffered a severe accident when my older brother, overcome with rage at something his pesky sister did, poured sugar water all over his belly - soaking his fur and matting his luxurious coat. Afterwards, my brother felt bad, so he hid him in the closet for awhile. When I finally rescued Bear Bear, he was like Rock Candy, but with two eyes and a felt tongue. Bear Bear has never been the same since, but he has been with me since I was 5. He currently sits on my bureau overlooking his kingdom. Weird belly-fur and all.

With that said, my parents have been married for 48 years. I keep looking at the blinking cursor on my screen to absorb what that means. They met as kids, and got married at the age of 18. 48 years of wedded bliss later, they are still together. They have been married so long, they don't even argue anymore. They call their kids to argue through them. Here's an example:

Mom: "Your father is the most aggravating man on earth. Why does he always use the good dish towels to wipe off his dirty hands? I swear, I will never understand the thoughts that go through his head."

Dad: "I don't know. Your mother's annoyed about something with the dishwasher."

See what happened there? Did you notice the subtle twist? What my father heard, is not what my mother said. This happens throughout my family. It happens with such frequency that the family as a unit now tosses up any misunderstanding as an apparent miscommunication. Like a convoluted game of "Telephone", no one can seem to get it right.

Spending that amount of time together will make you do some seemingly kooky things. For instance, both my Mom and Dad will decide a few times a year that it's "time to go through some part of their house and consolidate". Throw things out. Get rid of the junk. What invariably happens is they gather for hours, bicker, and end up throwing out jewelry my Mom says she'll never wear, and model cars that my Dad used to collect. They end up keeping the broken straw hat and the plastic bag it came in. You know...just in case. They'll then call my brother or I and ask if we want our High School diplomas, because they need to "throw things out". Kooky. I will never understand how they decide what to toss and what to keep. It seems random, but there must be some method to their madness. There are other things that are just as odd. Many other things.

 

 

 

Exhibit A:

Spontaneous Deafness - Like a child who doesn't want to go to bed, both my Mom and Dad seem to become instantly deaf when they hear something they don't like. Such as, "Hey Dad, wanna come over for lunch this weekend?" "What? I didn't hear you, Karie. Lemme call you back."

 

Amazing Spidey-Sense Hearing - On the flipside, my Mom can hear a pin drop in a pile of pillows somewhere in Indiana if she wants to. If you say something under your breath upstairs and across the hall, she'll hear you downstairs in the basement. It's truly a super-power.

 

Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results - My parents have had their computer in the corner of the dining room for well over 20 years. And for 20 years, that corner has been the black hole of sound. If anyone is saying anything in any other part of the house, no matter how close, you hear nothing when sitting there. This however, does not stop either my Mom or my Dad from continually talking to each other from this corner of the room, or to the person sitting in the corner of the room. The conversation invariably goes as follows: "James, did you feed the dogs?" "James?" "James?!". OR "Bet, do you want a salad from the Italian place?" "Bet?" "Bet?!". You'd think after this amount of time, they'd gather that this solitary location on earth carries no sound. Nope. This also applies to one standing at the kitchen sink and running water while talking.

Now, of course they are MY parents. Only my brother and I see certain things. However, In case you think me jaded, I'd like to include Exhibit B for consideration.

Exhibit B:

The Veterinarian's Office - I take my cat Dorothy to the same vet that my parents take their two dogs - Sophie and Lulu. This week, I had to take my Dottie for her annual check-up. After the exam and the all clear from the vet, we started chit chatting. Once the Doctor and staff realized that I was not only related to Bet and Jim, but I was their daughter, the whole office was huddled around the doorway relaying stories. My favorite being the Vet Assistant who called my Mom after Sophie's recent surgery. After the Assistant asked my Mom how the night went, my mother replied "It was a f*cking horrible night**." I just nodded and laughed and said, "Yep. That sounds like my Mom." The Assistant loved her. The entire staff couldn't sing my parents praises enough; calling them cute and funny; bickering and hysterical. **I do have to note my mother vehemently denies saying this. I believe the Vet Assistant.

One of the the best things about my parents is they ARE hysterical. It also helps that they look a little bit like Laurel and Hardy. I'm not sure who that insults more, my Mom or Dad, but it's true. My mother is tall and super skinny, like Olive Oil with a dirty mouth. My Dad gives the impression of being shorter due to his belly - which he has recently lost. They walk around like a mismatched pair of shoes and just make you smile.

My Mom is more high strung, my Dad is more easy-going. My Mom could wipe the floor with you in terms of wit. My Dad has absolutely no idea what she's saying. My Mom reads. My Dad watches TV. My Mom has not only won the argument, but has moved on to the next one. My Dad is still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

48 years later and they are still together. No marriage is perfect and no parents or children are perfect. The older I get, the more I appreciate the things that used to annoy me. The more I understand what it is they mean to each other. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Even if they both hear that as "Karie said she's interested in world trade."

　

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

 

The Muppet Movie: An Odyssey

The Muppet Movie:  An Odyssey

As the saying goes: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Pishaw I say. Phooey I say. When life gives you lemons, pop in a copy of "The Muppet Movie". Sit down on your couch, slip your arms through your Snuggie, and curl up to the best feel good movie this side of, well...anywhere.

 

Not only does this 1979 movie bring with it a cavalcade of stars - a virtual who's who from days gone by - it's a movie with a heartwarming tale to tell. I say this only with the slightest of wry smiles:

 

"The Muppet Movie" can change your life.

 

The plot itself is simple. A contented frog sits in a swamp strumming on his banjo and singing a lovely tune, as most frogs do. It's a known fact that Frogs are to banjos what Newton is to gravity. This fact is probably on a college entrance test somewhere. I digress. A contented frog sits in a swamp and a young and chubby Dom Deluise rows by in a canoe. He happens to be a Hollywood agent who sees potential in our sweet amphibian. Before being chased off by a' gator, Dom gives inspiration to our protagonist, and provides him with a dream he never knew he even had: To be a movie star and make millions of people happy.

 

Example #1 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Provides Encouragement -A man talks to a frog in a swamp and sees his potential. He not only sees his potential, he tells him he HAS potential. He not only tells him he has potential, but encourages him to ACT on his potential. A lovely message for all ages. Whether you're a banjo-strummin' frog or not.

 

 

 

 

 

Kermit THE frog decides to roll the dice and sets out to conquer Hollywood. In addition to singing and playing an instrument, Kermit is also an avid bicyclist - riding a nifty Schwinn through town. He is spotted by the evil Doc Hopper, who wants Kermit for his good looks, but mostly for his legs. You see, Doc Hopper is a restaurateur, and Kermit would be ideal for his french-fried Frogs Legs menu-delicacy. Kermit is rightly appalled, and turns him down flatly.

 

Example #2 of why the "Muppet Movie" can change your life:  Promotes Goals- Kermit could have taken Doc Hopper's offer and been a very wealthy frog. He would have been famous and probably made a bunch of people - maybe not millions- but a bunch of people, happy. Kermit had integrity and did not let the tantalizing carrot of quick wealth and instant fame sway him from his morals. Go Kermit.

 

After leaving Doc " hopping" mad, Kermit continues on his journey. He happens upon a restaurant that serves the lowest of low - aptly named the "El Sleezo Cafe" - and watches a stand-up comedian dodge flying vegetables as he tells corny jokes. The comedian, a fuzzy bear in a Pork Pie hat and polka dot tie, ends up being overtaken by the crowd. Tossed in to the air and caught on the ceiling fan, the bear is finally catapulted off and lands behind the bar. Luring the patrons outside with a promise of drinks "on" the house, Kermit and Fozzie the Bear have time to chat. Kermit and Fozzie hit it off, with Fozzie quickly offering up his hibernating Uncle's Studebaker, as well as his company to Kermit. The two set off as fast friends.

 

Example #3 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life:  Encourages Sharing - Kermit didn't have to tell Fozzie where he was going. Hollywood is a cut-throat town and everyone is an enemy. Human to human. Frog to Bear. It matters not. Fozzie didn't have to offer up his Uncle's car as transportation, he could have let the frog fend for himself, knowing that a ruthless Doc Hopper is hot on his tail. Both Kermit and Fozzie knew that working together would help them both.

 

Evading Doc Hopper again, Kermit and Fozzie travel the highways and byways on their trek to Hollywood. Along the way they meet many unique and quirky characters:

 

Gonzo - a plumber who loves his chicken, Camilla, but does have a wandering eye; Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem - a rock and roll band who help to disguise the Studebaker by painting it a camouflage of rainbows and sparkles; Rowlf - The piano playing dog who knows the blues and, finally; Miss Piggy - The Beauty Queen-winning pig who has her eyes set on Hollywood, but her heart set on Kermit.

 

Example #4 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Demonstrates Love - In the "Muppet Movie" world there's no such thing as impossible love. A purple, hooked-nosed alien creature can love a chicken, while a blue-eyeshadowed blond pig can love a simple frog. This is not frowned upon or looked at as crazy. It is accepted and understood.

 

Mayhem, car chases, and doubt ensue. Everyone Kermit meets wants to go with him to Hollywood. Not just because they want to catch a star, but because Kermit provides hope. Kermit is such a pure froggy soul, that no one can question his intent or integrity. His generosity and spirit of giving provides a refuge to this haphazard crew of Muppets. They have formed a group and are united in a goal; standing behind and for one another.

 

 

 

 

I won't spoil the ending or reveal more of the plot for those who have not yet watched the movie - or for those who haven't watched it in quite some time. I will reveal this, however: Muppets are better people than most people.

 

Example #5 of how the "Muppet Movie" can change your life: Gives Faith - The "Muppet Movie" leaves viewers with a sense of faith in humanity. While most of the humans in the film are corrupt or, at the best, disingenuous, the movie itself captures the pure idealism of faith in others. It shows how complete strangers can carry you on their shoulders, and how friendship can weather any storm. It provides faith in living your life, and experiencing life with those around us.

 

Like Odysseus, Kermit went on a long journey and faced many trials and foes. He had trusted friends, he became awakened to new experiences, he endured heartache, and he questioned the meaning of his journey. Like Odysseus, Kermit discovered who he was, and, in the end, what really mattered.

 

"The Muppet Movie" might be a kids movie. It might be comprised of puppetry and strings. It might be schmaltzy. It might be gooey. Hell, it's ALL of these things. It's also one of the best movies a person can watch when they've lost some of their faith in their fellow man...and themselves.

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo

Welcome to the Jungle

Who Needs a Safari?!

 

Let us take a journey into the wild.  A wild so overflowing with predators and blood-thirsty creatures, that few have even the slightest chance of survival.  A habitat so viperous, only the most cunning and cutting can escape unscathed.

Our journey shall begin as most journeys do - travelling to our inhospitable destination.  Do not fool yourself - the journey itself is riddled with it's own set of pitfalls and near-death experiences.  Like any roller-coaster warning, only those with a strong stomach and healthy heart should attempt this trek.  This is no ride for joy, however.   Oh no.  This is a ride to epiphany.

The journey should begin in the morning hours.  NOTE:  While not necessary, it is highly advisable to head out as early as possible, as the danger is somewhat lessened the closer to dawn you begin your excursion.  Bear in mind, however, that dangers still lurk about you in every direction, so it is important to stay on your toes.  Your mind must be sharp as you navigate the pathways to your final destination.  

From every direction you are faced with the threat of possible doom.  To the right of you is a beast of unimaginable weight and girth, drifting towards you in a menacing fashion.  To the left of you is a barely identifiable object as it hurtles forth in to the unknown.  Both behind and in front of you lies craters, boulders, sudden bluish-colored rain showers, and objects darting out that seemed to spring from nowhere.  I cannot stress this enough:  Tread lightly and with a vigilant eye.  Should you survive, the destination and it's inhabitants are well worth the scientific study.

 

At this point, you have (hopefully) made it to the gateway of the wildlife habitat.  You will need to show credentials before passing through it's gates, so be sure these are in your possession at the time of arrival.  Lack of credentials will lead to a lengthy wait, regardless of anything you provide to show that you have been granted access to what lies beyond. Save yourself the time and trouble and bring your approved entry pass.

You have now entered the wild.  Take a breath.   Soak it in.  Appreciate the serenity, for this is the last time you shall feel serene for a very...long...time.

Do not be taken in by the seemingly calm atmosphere.  To mistake calmness for safety is a far too common trap in which many have lost their humanity.  Calmness is the purr of the wild tiger.  Calmness is the rattle of the snake.  Calmness is not as it appears.

Your first adventure will be to the feeding grounds, where wildlife of all species congregate to satisfy their need for hunger and thirst.  This is one of the only two "safe" zones in the habitat.  Since this area is well stocked with all necessary food items for each resident,  the inhabitants are more consumed with consuming and less concerned with man-eating.  This watering hole is best visited in the morning and early afternoon hours.  These are both the safest times for the explorer, as well as the most observationally satisfying. 

The second of the two "safe" zones is the waste management station, which serves as a refuge for the inhabitants with bladder relief issues.  This zone is safe for the primary reason that one visits this station for an urgent purpose.  Since more pressing issues are on the inhabitants mind at the time, this prevents one from being attacked.  For now.

After the feeding grounds, you will travel onward to the corral.  The corral is located within the center of the habitat and can be accessed by several pathways and trails.  The corral is a series of blocked off spaces that serve as stalls for the inhabitants.  These walled boxes provide a sense of privacy, and are equipped with the tools necessary for the wildlife to stay occupied and keep their minds engaged.  Spatterings may appear within the walls of these stalls. Some experts have suggested these spatterings suggest an representation of the creatures "work".  Others believe these to be a cry for help.  One really shall never know.  It is very important, however, not to disrupt any of the spatterings, as this greatly agitates the occupier of said corral.  These occupiers are known as "Corral Dwellers".

You will observe that, after walking the corral, some spaces are quite larger than others.  And others have, what appears to be, a "privacy shield" attached.  This signifies the "Leader" of the herd.  There is dispute among the scientific community concerning these "privacy shields".  Some suggest that these act as doors, other experts insist they are for protection.  For the sake of ease, we shall call them "doors".  This door indicates that the occupant should be looked upon with respect. It has been documented that being a Leader does not automatically garner respect among the Corral Dwellers.  This is a unique and interesting sight to see, and should be noted. Unlike in other habitats, in this wild, the Leader must prove themselves worthy of esteem.  Of course, this is not true in all cases.  You will happen upon the occasional Corral Dweller who sniffs around the Leaders door and makes motions to clean up their soiled hay. 

 

Corral Dwellers and Leaders intermingle often.  The common relationship being the Leader stealing the Corral Dwellers spatterings and offering them up as their own to their "Prince", for recognition and reward.  The viperous behaviour begins here.  The Corral Dweller has little recourse, but is aware of the misdeed.  You will notice a type of glazed-eye weariness among many of the Corral Dwellers.  No.  They are not drugged.  They are merely dwelling within their corral.

Once you have observed the center of the habitat, your next adventure will be to explore the perimeter of the grounds.  Be cautious on this excursion.  Those inhabitants who feel themselves superior to both Corral Dwellers and Leaders reside here.

The perimeter of the habitat provides the best views of the entire wild.  These dwellings also provide, what we have termed, "doors".  These doors are much more foreboding, as they stand higher and wider than those of the Leader.  The inhabitants of these dwellings range from "Duke" to "Prince", and finally to "King".

To avoid confusion, the below might be helpful:

·         Corral Dwellers congregate with Corral Dwellers, trying to congregate with Leaders, but really don't give a f*ck after awhile

·         Leaders congregate with Leaders, trying to congregate with Duke's, and forced to congregate with Corral Dwellers

·         Dukes congregate with Dukes, trying to congregate with Prince's, and forced to congregate with Leaders

·         Princes congregate with Princes, trying to congregate with the King, and forced to congregate with Dukes

The predatory behavior can start as low on the totem pole as Corral Dweller, but certainly becomes bloodier and more cut throat at the Leader to Duke cutoff.

The Corral Dweller will have his/her wall spatterings stolen by the Leader.  The Leader, in turn, presents the stolen spatterings as their own to the Duke.  The Duke, not wanting to be outdone by the Leader, will poke holes in the spattering, grunting out an indication that the spattering has potential, but is not "Habitat Material".  The Duke, meanwhile, presents the suggestion of the spattering to the Prince, who finds the image interesting.  The Prince then growls the spattering to the King, who paw prints a decline - for lack of habitat funds.

Should you have made it out of this journey into the wild alive, I suggest one thing.  RUN.  Do not walk.  RUN.  A safe retreat from this habitat is rare.  Take with you what you have learned and recognize the importance of the ant to life.

Find a dwelling you are the co-master of and become your own King.  Or Queen.

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly  xoxo

Smoke Blowing and Other Olympic Sports

Smoke Blowing and Other Olympic Sports

Work. A four letter word if there ever was one. WORK. "Wərk". Even the harsh "K" sound at the end of it reminds you of other, more colorful, four letter words. WORK. work. WoRk. The more I type it, the more it looks like a shortened term for the cute little teddy bear creatures that made "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" unwatchable. Ewok. Work. It works.
 

Work. A laborious, soul crushing experience; a delightful and fulfilling joy; or something that lies in between. Work. Something that the majority of us must do, whether we love it or hate it.

 

Work is also the mundane everyday stuff, like cleaning the house(work), tidying up the yard(work), etc. Work is also the stuff you love and want to do, like writing books, articles or music, like drawing or painting, etc - just for the sheer enjoyment of it. For the purpose of this post, I'm going to define "Work" as a job you go to. Or a job you perform in order to pay your bills - love it or hate it, it's what you are doing as your primary source of income.
 

For me, working in Corporate America is like the scene in Pinocchio, where Gepetto and the gang are sucked in to the belly of the whale without actually being eaten. You're alive. You're functioning. You're just at the mercy of the great beast - hoping against hope that you can somehow stay afloat and maintain your existence.

 

 

 

OK, so I'm being a bit dramatic, but you get my point. As a Corporate employee, you are something of a nameless, faceless being. There are the treasured few who (like cream) rise to the top and are recognized. This usually occurs with the help of a large, sharp utensil placed strategically in the back of an unsuspecting fellow employee. Or with a pair of pursed lips suctioned to the bottom of one's supervisor. It's a toss up or a combination of the two, really.
 

Corporations love to have "Team Building Events". Days that are set aside to have "fun" and to "get to know each other". You know, as "real people". Pal around with your fellow coworker and let your hair down. Suuurre. If any of you have ever attended one of these events, then you need no explanation. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it is the most cringe inducing, uncomfortable, unnatural 8 hours (or more) that you can imagine.
 

These events start off with some light hearted "get-to-know-you" exercises: Create a caption for this non-offense cartoon, provide a name for the team in which you are placed, describe your job using a song title/movie/character. Those types of things. The truth is not needed here.  Actually, the truth need not apply. For example, I highly doubt that someone who wrote "Psycho Killer" as their applicable song title would be looked upon with mirth and delight. Well, probably with mirth and delight once the men in white uniforms came with their special little jacket, but certainly not at first.
 

After the faux get-to-know-you session, you are then broken off in to groups to perform some sort of task/game that is meant to bring you all together and to learn to work cohesively. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't we learn this in Pre-K and Kindergarten? I learned not to take Susie's paste, and Susie learned not to smear me with finger paint when I was 4, MAYBE 5. I'm not really sure I need to learn this again, but OK - I'll play along, pretending I have a choice.
 

You set out on your exercise, and leaders immediately emerge. No. I take that back. Leaders immediately fight to be the leader. So much for cohesiveness and team building. Someone ALWAYS feels the need to be that team champion; as if winning the "Pictionary" contest is going to guarantee them a spot on the Executive Committee. You always have to be mindful: We are in the "wild", and dangers lurk about you everywhere. People will throw you in front of a bus if they feel that it makes them look good in front of a boss or, better yet, THE Boss. Tread lightly and keep your wits about you. That's my suggestion.
 

After the "fun" exercise is complete, you typically regroup for a lunch and learn. A time to discuss what you gathered from your expedition, what you feel you could have done better, and how this applies to your daily activities at work. AH HA! See where they get you? "Off-Site Team Building Event", my foot! It's nothing but a glorified meeting to determine how they can get more out of you, without giving you anything more. Best yet...they want YOU to determine what more YOU should take on.
 

To break it down in to non-work related terms, let's put this same scenario together, but using two friends in place of work. A friend sets up a fun day to relax, have some down-time, and spend some quality hours together. You go - as you really can't say no to your friend - but you are a bit leery, wondering why everything seems so regimented if it's supposed to be easy going. You go bowling, play pool or take a cooking class. After the day is done, your friend then asks what you learned from the day, and how YOU can be a better friend to him/her. Adding the caveat, "oh, and by the way, can you pay the bill,' cause that's what really good friends do."
 

My point being with this entire post is this: I wish the crap would just be cut, already. I don't need to be friends with every person I work with. I don't need team building exercises to lure me into looking deeper into my inner work habits. If you need me to do something I'm not doing, tell me. If you want to know how I'm feeling about my current position in the Department or Company, ask me. The phony baloney hullabaloo of "we're all in this together" is, frankly, insulting. While I might pride myself on useless knowledge, my prowess at Jeopardy is not going to get me any further in the Organization because I won it at a Team Building Event. Stop the BS and just call it as it is.
 

If blowing smoke was an Olympic sport, I definitely know a few people who could medal.
 

 

 

Geesh. Seriously.

 

 

With Love

Lady Butterfly

xoxo